Five questions that won’t be asked today at SEC Media Days

It’s that time of year again. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, the college football world will descend today on Atlanta for the SEC’s annual Media Days event.

There will be a lot of questions asked. Questions about expectations, depth charts, and departures.

But as is so often the case, I’m afraid the truly important questions will go unasked. So I am asking them here. LSU’s Brian Kelly, Ole Miss’s Lane Kiffin, and Missouri’s Eli Drinkwitz will brave the mics this afternoon. And sadly no one is likely to ask them these critical questions:

* Coach Kelly, have they explained to you yet what’s in boudin? Would you like to know?

* Coach Kiffin, Tom Cruise’s performance in Maverick has been the box office hit of the summer. When you imagine yourself in the cockpit of a fighter jet, are you a) drawing giant penises with your jet trails or b) just chuckling like Beevis at the word “cockpit.”

* Coach Drinkwitz, this is more an observation than a question. You guys probably need another NIL partner besides KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce. That stuff is foul.

* Coach Kelly, have you made contingency plans for your student assistants’ scissor lift usage during tropical storm season, or are you planning to just sort of wing it again?

* Coach Kiffin, Mike Leach says someone put hot sauce in his Diet Coke in the lounge. Commissioner Sankey wanted me to ask if it was you and said, and I’m quoting here, “Tell him we’ve got video this time.”

Feel free to drop your own burning questions in the comments, and…

Go ‘Dawgs!!!