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The SEC in a Sentence: Hold (off on) that (moving sale) Tigah!!!!

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NCAA Football: Louisiana State at Mississippi State Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to The SEC in a Sentence, in which I compress the sooty, messy coal of 14 teams’ disparate results into one brilliant diamond of a sentence.

Alabama: Nick Saban only half-watched this episode of Space Ghost Coast To Coast and thought he was supposed to just kick Hattiesburg.

Arkansas: Sam Pittman’s success at Arkansas is a lot like an un-housebroken Labrador puppy: it was a lot cuter before I found out he was bringing it to our house for the afternoon.

Auburn: Bone-X, like a lot of other iffy over-the-counter herbal remedies, often loses its effectiveness over time.

Florida: Gator fans have convinced themselves they’ve got a Saban when all I can see is a Donnan.

Georgia: Was that 31 for last year and 31 for this year, or do we have to apply some sort of IRS depreciation/amortization schedule?

Kentucky: Kentucky continues to be the most turnover-prone team in America while still remaining undefeated and friends at this point my only explanation is either horse steroids or bourbon.

LSU: Da Coach O say te put dat couch down, ‘cause he’s one Aw’bun win away from turnin’ dis airboat around!!!!

Ole Miss: Ole Miss was off this week and I bet you Lane Kiffin didn’t wear pants inside his own home once, which will be good practice for after the Alabama game one way or the other.

Mississippi State: As noted previously, at the end of the year a pretty good football team is going to finish seventh in the SEC West and it’s almost definitely going to be the Bizarro ‘Dawgs.

Missouri: Not the first tourists to be sort of disappointed by a trip to Boston.

South Carolina: That face where your opponent gacks up three fumbles and you still lose by a touchdown:

Tennessee: Didn’t roll over against the Gators, but they were a long way from ever really getting things rolling, too.

Texas A&M: Aggie fans have 9 million reasons to expect better than what they’ve seen this year from their offensive maestro of a head coach.

Vanderbilt: Life is pain and our days, unlike Vandy football players coming into fall camp, are numbered.

Go ‘Dawgs!!!