Welcome to The SEC in a Sentence, in which after a couple of days of careful reflection I attempt in vain to capture how every SEC football team’s week went using only a single, snarky sentence.
Alabama: The Tide beat Mercer by 15 fewer points than Georgia beat UAB, if you’re wondering why Nick Saban is in a foul mood today.
Arkansas: I’m actually so happy for Sam Pittman right now that I just about can’t stand it.
Auburn: Auburn could be very good or very bad but we won’t know which it is until they play an actual football game.
Florida: The Gators tallied 666 total yards of offense and it’s important that you remember there are no coincidences.
Georgia: The ‘Dawgs made the odds-on favorite in Conference USA, a likely bowl team, look like Alabama should have made Mercer look.
Kentucky: I appreciate the Wildcats reminding me when I get too high on them that they remain, in fact, Kentucky, and thus never more than two minutes from falling into an endless pit of mediocrity.
LSU: It could be worse, their top running back could be ruled academically ineligible due to a bureaucratic oversight OH SON OF A......
Ole Miss: I just want Lane Kiffin to tell the brass at USC that he’ll consider taking the job, but only if they fly into Tupelo for a meeting at the airport.
Mississippi State: At the end of the year a pretty good football team is going to finish seventh in the SEC West and it’s probably going to be the Bizarro ‘Dawgs.
Missouri: Kentucky/Mizzou is the Mendoza Line of the SEC East and Eliah Drinkwitz is its Rafael Belliard.
South Carolina: Barely escaped a battle of directional Carolina schools whose fans are prone to outsized, irrational anger at this site’s authors.
Tennessee: Hey speaking of an endless Pitt of mediocrity....
Texas A&M: Headed toward 9-3, one win for every million dollars they’ll pay Jimbo Fisher this season.
Vanderbilt: Not a national laughing stock this week, which is a marked improvement.
BONUS NEWCOMERS EDITION
Oklahoma: I don’t trust this team not to do something spectacularly inept before December and you shouldn’t either.