Setting: Athens, Georgia. Winter. A cold drizzle slowly settles over the darkening January landscape. Will Muschamp, newly installed Senior Defensive Analyst for University of Georgia football, sits alone in his small office, rewatching the 2020 Georgia/Kentucky game by the soft glow of a laptop. Empty Doritos bags and Monster energy drink cans ring the computer, like a sort of detritus Stonehenge. A knock at the door pierces the scowling silence....
It’s Sid*, from Sports Information.
“Hey, uh, Coach....hate to bother you again, but we still need you to approve that copy for your official bio on the website.”
Muschamp jabs a meaty finger violently upon the pause button, like a linebacker arriving in the B gap intent on violence. “Where’s the dang Vandy film man! I’ve been asking for that film for three days!”
“Coach I don’t actually work in film, but I’m pretty sure we didn’t play Vanderbilt last season.”
“Horse collars! Vandy’s in the SEC East. Georgia’s in the East. I’m not Sherlock Holmes but even I know that.”
“I’ll mention it to Lisa in the video department.”
“Fantastic. I need to watch every defensive snap we took last season if I’m going to gain full control of our quality.”
“So Coach, about that bio....”
“Hated biology, but I gutted out a C+. Lab partner was a scrawny kid from Martinez. He’d get violently angry when I mispronounced it. What else you need?”
“Well we were hoping to include some details of your time at Auburn...”
“And your success building the defense at Texas...”
“And your days at Florida....”
“Can’t. That assignment’s still GA-14 classified.”
“You actually had a couple of decent defenses at South Carolina....”
“Statute of limitations hasn’t run, check back with me in 6 years.”
“But Coach Muschamp....”
“Son, it’s like ole Doc Evil told ‘em. ‘The details of my life are actually quite inconsequential.’ But putting together a cohesive secondary is the most important thing we’ll do this season and SO HELP ME IF YOU DON’T FIND ME THAT VANDERBILT FILM!!!!
“Right away Coach. I’ll get right on it.”
[Ten minutes later, back in Sports Information]
“Yeah, I need tape of the UGA/Vandy game.”
“Nope, doesn’t really matter which year.”
“Also, some more of that chamomile tea in the energy drink cans. Double the strength.”
*Probably not actually named Sid.