Welcome to The SEC in a Sentence, in which I attempt to turn the pile of chicken renderings left by 14 teams’ disparate results into one delicious chicken salad of a sentence.
Alabama: On Lane Kiffin’s advice I got my popcorn ready, but I didn’t realize Nick Saban was going to be screening a slasher flick.
Arkansas: Sam Pittman is a fantastic football coach but he’s not an actual miracle worker, and that’s okay.
Auburn: Following the Plainsmen’s stirring road win at LSU Bo Nix still hasn’t thrown an interception all season and that’s what we call “foreshadowing.”
Florida: Just imagine how badly Florida would have lost to Kentucky if Dan Mullen wasn’t a certified offensive genius.
Georgia: “The gentlemen from Athens yield their sentence to the representative from Florida.” If Dan Mullen is such an offensive genius he should call the play where they don’t false start at the worst possible time.
Kentucky: Whatever registered quarterback whisperer Dan Mullen whispered to Emory Jones, the Wildcats better hope Kirby Smart whispers the same to JT Daniels and Stetson Bennett, because if so Mark Stoops is winning the SEC East.
LSU: “Da Coach don’t have much a say ‘bout Sa’day, and yields his time to da Gatuhs.” Dan Mullen is 3-5 in his last 8 games, only 1 of the wins is against a Power 5 team, and I don’t care who you are that’s just hilarious.
Ole Miss: Going to be a rough week in Oxford between recovering from a beatdown in Tuscaloosa and keeping Lane Kiffin from taking the Florida job.
Mississippi State: As repeatedly noted in this space, at the end of the year a pretty good football team is going to finish seventh in the SEC West and it’s almost definitely going to be the Bizarro ‘Dawgs, but only because Florida is in the East.
Missouri: Gave up 62 points to Tennessee which is both improbable and impressive, much like losing to Kentucky in Lexington for the first time since 1986 like Florida did.
South Carolina: The Gamecocks needed three field goals and a defensive touchdown to edge Troy 23-14, moving them to 3-2 on the year which coincidentally is the same record as the Florida Gators.
Tennessee: The mighty Volunteers bounced back admirably from being upset by Florida, defeating Mizzou 62-24.
Texas A&M: Following a tough loss to Mississippi State Aggie fans may be the only folks in the SEC more disappointed than Gator fans.
Vanderbilt: Basically Florida, except they won this weekend.
As always feel free to add your own succinct observations in the comments.