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Upon Further Review...

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Q: Was the worst half of offensive football in years part of a ruse? A: It’s a Fact!

NCAA Football: Georgia at Arkansas
If not for the perfect ruse, this particular streak would quite possibly have ended on Saturday.

I have watched and re-watched the first half (plus about 7 minutes at the beginning of the 3rd quarter of Saturday’s Off Broadway production of Jekyll & Hyde football game vs. Arkansas and have concluded the following:

ruse

/ro͞oz/

noun

  1. an action intended to deceive someone; a trick:
  • “Macondawg used an unsuccessful ruse to keep RedCrake from drinking all of his special game-day Tang, for there is none left. Turns out, the ruse was on Macondawg.”
  • “In an inspired ruse, Kirby instructed his offensive team to play like s#!t for more than a half to give his rivals false hope. And it worked.”

1. Having 200 yards (give or take) of penalties in a half of football simply can’t be coached. It takes real skill. This is something you want to do. And we did this to perfection. With all the talent we have, this was pre-planned. Absolutely. Call it building adversity on purpose. It’s a Fact! It will serve us well in the weeks to come.

2. We absolutely showed nothing on offense for a reason. We are saving our very best for bigger contests, so why tip your hat? By halftime, every one of our rivals was convinced we have quarterback issues, and our plethora of blue-chip offensive linemen have knees worse than yours truly. Football is all about deception today, tonight and tomorrow.

If you have 3 4 quarterbacks, you have none - Gus Mahlzahn’s bus driver (and offensive coordinator).

3. A commenter on one of the pay $ites brought up a good point: If we win the Conference (or, Playoffs) with a quarterback who is under 6-foot, should it be recognized as legitimate? Should we forfeit? Frankly, I’m outraged that Stetson Bennett had to come in and save us on the road in a hostile environment because there is no way a “2-Star” should even be allowed to stand amongst the 4 and 5 Stars that litter our squad. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s a Fact! I do not think we should forfeit, but we should write a strongly worded letter to Stetson for not being more than significantly taller than Aaron Murray, and look how Murray turned out? He was a disaster. I know we have taller players who are quarterbacks. Or, kickers. This is a conspiracy. Or is it? Hmmmm.....

4. Did you know Barrett Sallee is on the payroll? He is the minister of propaganda and his motivational words are without equal.

Only someone like Kirby Smart could find a recently unemployed, unknown sportswriter of Danny Kanellian insight and put him on the payroll to great effect. It’s a Fact!

5. Wait, wut?! Don’t backtrack now, Barrett. You were doing so well.

Carry on as if the first 42 minutes of football didn’t even happen last week.

Paul Reubens
Saturday? We meant to do that.

As always, GO DAWGS!