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An Exhaustive List of Life Lessons from Lane Kiffin

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It feels like we’ve all lived a decade in the past six months. But ain’t nobody done as much living as Ole Miss head football coach Lane Kiffin.

He’s gone from wunderkind offensive genius, to in-over-his-head NFL coach, to in-over-his-head SEC coach, to in-over-his-head PAC-12 coach, then in-over-his-head Alabama assistant, in-over-his-head Conference USA coach, and back to in-over-his-head SEC coach. And like Wooderson, he just kept on livin’, man.

Along the way he’s learned a lot of lessons about life, love, and law enforcement. Here’s an unabridged list of the most important wisdom the Lane Train’s picked up as he tumbled down the tracks.

  1. Technically, it’s not “totally nude” if you’re still wearing a visor.
  2. The problem ain’t the tequila. It’s that you can’t hold your liquor.
  3. You can’t make pickles out of sea cucumbers.
  4. Even Eddie Van Halen missed a note once in awhile. You gotta play some stinkers if you want to end up writing “Hot For Teacher.”
  5. When you’re on the road recruiting and the only restaurant open is the all-you-can-eat buffet, prioritize freshness and avoid the shrimp.
  6. When you need to hide from the cops there’s no disguise quite like a good beard.
  7. The best time to take a Pepcid was an hour ago.
  8. Nick Saban will only remind you to refill the toilet paper in the coach’s John once.
  9. If it doesn’t make your lips tingle it’s probably not poisonous. Probably.
  10. When Al Davis asks whether you like his speedo the answer is “it depends.”
  11. In a bar fight you needn’t worry about the loud mouth taking off his jacket. But the quiet guy slowly removing his wristwatch is another matter.
  12. If the AD wants to talk to you for a sec before leaving the airport....run.

Now go forth and conquer the world. Or at least, you know, beat Arkansas. Until later...

Go ‘Dawgs!!!