It feels like we’ve all lived a decade in the past six months. But ain’t nobody done as much living as Ole Miss head football coach Lane Kiffin.
He’s gone from wunderkind offensive genius, to in-over-his-head NFL coach, to in-over-his-head SEC coach, to in-over-his-head PAC-12 coach, then in-over-his-head Alabama assistant, in-over-his-head Conference USA coach, and back to in-over-his-head SEC coach. And like Wooderson, he just kept on livin’, man.
Along the way he’s learned a lot of lessons about life, love, and law enforcement. Here’s an unabridged list of the most important wisdom the Lane Train’s picked up as he tumbled down the tracks.
- Technically, it’s not “totally nude” if you’re still wearing a visor.
- The problem ain’t the tequila. It’s that you can’t hold your liquor.
- You can’t make pickles out of sea cucumbers.
- Even Eddie Van Halen missed a note once in awhile. You gotta play some stinkers if you want to end up writing “Hot For Teacher.”
- When you’re on the road recruiting and the only restaurant open is the all-you-can-eat buffet, prioritize freshness and avoid the shrimp.
- When you need to hide from the cops there’s no disguise quite like a good beard.
- The best time to take a Pepcid was an hour ago.
- Nick Saban will only remind you to refill the toilet paper in the coach’s John once.
- If it doesn’t make your lips tingle it’s probably not poisonous. Probably.
- When Al Davis asks whether you like his speedo the answer is “it depends.”
- In a bar fight you needn’t worry about the loud mouth taking off his jacket. But the quiet guy slowly removing his wristwatch is another matter.
- If the AD wants to talk to you for a sec before leaving the airport....run.
Now go forth and conquer the world. Or at least, you know, beat Arkansas. Until later...