2020 NFL Draft Advice for Dumb GM’s From Someone Who Actually Watched The Games

The NFL Draft is your favorite player’s graduation day... Enjoy it!

The NFL Draft starts tonight. Some of you may turn your noses up at all things shield ball, but I have always enjoyed the draft because I get to see my boys all grown up. Some of these players have been on our radar since they were rising up the recruiting rankings as Junior’s in high-school. They have bled and sweat and knocked into other people for years in college. They have waken up at ungodly hours for grueling workouts while their peers were just going to bed after a long night at the bars. They should be paid for that, but they aren’t at the moment. The NFL Draft is where we get to see these players finally get what they have earned a dozen times over- real American dollars.

If you’re thinking about skipping the draft this year, then I hope you enjoy the baseball game or NBA double-header you’re going to be watching instead. Oh wait, there’s literally nothing else to watch. This is the closest thing to live sports that you’re going to get for another couple months... at least!

You should also watch the draft because you, a college football fan, might know more about some of these players than the GM’s that are about to give them million dollars. That’s insane!

This particular draft could be an entertaining series of disasters!

Also, these same guys, who do incredibly uncreative things like hiring Jeff Fisher for head coaching jobs over and over again, are going to attempt to conduct a draft in real time through various forms of technology. It could be a glorious and extremely entertaining mess.

The following things are possible...

• A NFL GM’s teenage son will be in the middle of playing Fortnite on his Xbox and suck up all of the residence’s bandwidth. This could cost a franchise worth hundreds of millions of dollars from getting their pick in on time.
• The hacking group Anonymous could realize that they’re as bored with quarantine as the rest of us, and decide to ruin the NFL Draft for the hell of it. This would be like a fascinating dumpster fire.
• We’re more than likely going to catch zoom footage of drunk uncles and excited family pets in draftees living rooms. Apparently their will be 53 prospects with live streams setup in their living room. If we’re really lucky we’ll get to watch Andy Reid do an interview while eating a sandwich.

The possibilities for chaos are endless. Let’s all enjoy it.

General Managers aren’t always smart

The NFL Draft, despite all its entertainment, also comes with many problems. Every year we see GM’s who spent too much time looking at measurables from the combine and not enough time watching the prospects actually, you know, play football. Here’s an approximation of an actual conversation that an NFL General Manager had with other people who get paid lots and lots of money to make decisions about football.

“The kid is tall! And he has a rocket arm! Let’s take Mitch Trubisky over Deshaun Watson! I know the Watson kid was the only mortal to beat Bama, but when you can take a guy who went 8-5 in one season at UNC after sitting behind a guy who was never drafted for two seasons, you gotta take it!” - Chicago Bears GM Ryan Pace (Graham Coffey)

Every season we see these things happen. Bad players get picked too high, and good players are picked far too low, or not at all, because they’re a quarter inch too short. There’s still time to not do something stupid NFL GM’s! Here’s some unsolicited advice from a guy who watched the damn games.

First round guys who terrorized my team

• Joe Burrow, LSU - Actual wizard, made that absurd forty-something yard throw while rolling to his right and getting hit in the legs in the SEC Championship. That play alone makes me confident his floor is Aaron Rogers.
• Derrick Brown, Auburn - I hate Auburn more than anything in the known universe, and this man is so disgustingly dominant that I am posting a highlight video of him on a Georgia fan site. Watch the first four plays. It’s filthy. If I’m wrong about his football career then the clip of him body slamming a poor UCF running back on his head is proof he will make a great wrestler.

• Javon Kinlaw, South Carolina - Kinlaw’s ability to get pressure on passing downs and contain Georgia’s running backs on rushing plays made him the biggest reason the Gamecocks pulled off an upset in Athens this year. He lined up against future NFL o-lineman on every down that day, and won his matchup about 80% of the time. Bonus points to him for being the reason Georgia only had to face Joe Burrow once. Facing LSU again in Atlanta just three weeks after the SEC Championship beating would’ve been cruel and unusual punishment.
• Jerry Jeudy, Alabama - Jerry Jeudy would have had exactly 97 receptions for exactly 1,543 yards in the NFL as an eighteen year-old. He’ll be perfectly fine as a 23 year-old.

Mid-to-late round players who terrorized my team and will be picked far too low by NFL GM’s

• Denzel Mims, Baylor - The big wide-receiver beat very good Georgia corners on many occasions in the Sugar Bowl. Mims might have been the most problematic receiver the Dawgs faced last season.
• Grant Delpit, LSU - Delpit is a human missile shooting into the box on run plays and an incredible cover man in passing situations. Delpit is predicted as a 2nd round pick due to his size. Trust me when I tell you that is far too low. He’s Honey Badger 2.0
• Albert Okwuegbunam, Missouri - “Experts” say he is going to be a 3rd to 5th round pick. That seems low for a 6’5” man-child who weighs 260 and runs a 4.49 forty. Also, nobody can really cover him. Because of his size he ALWAYS looks open. A giant thank you to Derek Dooley, who often forgot he existed over the last couple seasons.
• Braden Mann, Texas A&M - PUNT GOD
• LYNN BOWDEN, Kentucky - Bowden is an incredible talent at wide-receiver, who played quarterback most of last season due to injuries. He couldn’t throw very well, but he lead Kentucky to an incredible stretch run by running a Pop Warner offense where the best athlete takes the ball on every down and freelances. Bowden was the best player. I love him for having the special superpower of running extremely fast while not looking like he’s running at all (think Vince Young). In his last college game, the Belk Bowl, he got in a shirtless fight 90 minutes before kickoff. He followed that magnificent performance with the one below. I couldn’t love him more.

Players who I am really glad my team never faced that always popped off my screen

• CeeDee Lamb, Oklahoma - The name says it all. Best wide-receiver in the open field I’ve seen in a loooong time
• Chase Young, Ohio St - Some GM is going to screw this up and he will lose his job for it in 2-3 years
• Antoine Winfield, Jr., Minnesota - Only 5’9” so the shield ball guys don’t know if he’s worth a first round pick. Watch the tape. Winfield Jr. has absolutely incredible instincts and ball skills.

• Cam Akers, FSU - Akers carried Florida State from the running back position the last two years. Without him, the Willie Taggart era could have been even more of a disaster.
• Isiah Simmons, Clemson - He can play corner, safety, linebacker, rush the passer and serve the popcorn. Following him around the field last season was a joy, even if he did play for Clemson.

Deep cuts who might go undrafted because the NFL is stupid that I am convinced could be All-Pro someday

• Evan Weaver, Cal - Hard-hitting linebacker who was ALWAYS in the right spot. When he tackles people they go backwards. What he lacks in speed he makes up for in intangibles and instinct.
• Malcolm Perry, Navy - Ran for over 2,000 yards last season from the quarterback position. He has switched to receiver in a bid to make the NFL. The guy is a football player. He is elusive, smart and tough to tackle. Plus I watched him run for 300 yards on Army last year. DRAFT THE MAN,
• JJ Taylor, Arizona - The 5’5” Taylor is a Darren Sproles/Maurice Jones-Drew clone who is built like a bowling ball and will run through or around you depending on the situation. Put him on the field and let him work.

• Clyde Edwards-Helaire, LSU - The 5’7’ Edwards-Helaire is a Darren Sproles/Maurice Jones-Drew clone who is built like a bowling ball and will run through or around you depending on the situation. Put him on the field and let him work.

HOT TAKES I 100% BELIEVE

• Justin Herbert isn’t a first-round talent. I watched a lot of Oregon games over the last couple years, and when the chips were down they leaned on their running game to win games at the end. What that says to me is that Herbert doesn’t thrive under pressure. He has a rocket arm, but isn’t very accurate.
• Give me Jake Fromm, Jacob Eason and... (gasp!) Anthony Gordon over Herbert or Jordan Love. In three years they will be the better quarterbacks.
• D’andre Swift will be a Pro Bowl running back, but he needs a system that will take advantage of his receiving abilities
• Brian Herrien will make a roster as a special teams guy, but he could end up being a better slot receiver than a running back. He could take advantage of his lateral quickness most effectively in the slot.
• Tae Crowder should have been invited to the NFL Combine, and he will make a roster on Special Teams due to his nose for the ball
• Isiah WIlson will sneak into the first 35 picks of the draft after being projected as a third rounder a couple months ago.
• JR Reed will be a fabulous nickel corner/safety hybrid next season in the NFL

• Rodrigo Blankenship will be drafted in round six by the New England Patriots and his zoom chat will be better than any other prospects. He will hit clutch field-goals and boom touchbacks in his rec specs until the age of 47 at which point he will retire as the NFL’s all-time leading scorer. If we are truly blessed he will kick another double clutch PAT in our lifetimes.

If you’re an NFL GM and you find yourself reading this at 6:45 PM EST tomorrow night then feel free to Venmo me for my services.

Which players do you feel like are All-Pro’s waiting to be discovered? What consensus first-rounders do you think are overhyped? Let me know in the comments and you too can be smarter than an NFL GM,