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Will Kirby Smart’s Hiring of Scott Cochran Cause the Collapse of Alabama’s Health System?

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Alabama Spring Game
“Look Ma! Clean hands!”
Photo by Michael Chang/Getty Images

Folks, it has been a rough week.

Last Tuesday, I got diagnosed with influenza-A. On Wednesday, I went to the store for some soup and toilet paper. I found neither. On Thursday, all sports were cancelled. The conference tournaments that were going to get me through the flu were gone.

Suddenly, and stunningly, the next game that a University of Georgia team will play became the football program’s Labor Day opener against Virginia in Atlanta.

THAT’S OVER SIX MONTHS AWAY

Friday found me scouring the darkest corners of the internet, trying to find anything that felt like sports. I watched streams of people playing video games on Twitter. I scouted class of 2021 football recruits. Nothing scratched the itch.

Then it happened.

Suddenly, a light.

I found it. My mind split open like a book.

From somewhere in the galaxy, a series of images came forth...

There was Kirby Smart. He was in a large chair, moving pieces around a three-dimensional chessboard. He muttered “HBTFD” under his breath to nobody in particular.

I looked to the level below him...

Nick Saban was toiling away on a checker board. He screamed at a nameless assistant, but there was nobody there.

Kirby and Saban appeared to be laughing at something. There heads turned towards the ground beneath their feet

The source of their amusement became clear as I viewed the lowest level of this projection.

It was Dan Mullen.

He was playing Tic-Tac-Toe confusedly in a sandbox. A commentator’s voice spoke from the beyond, proclaiming Mullen an expert on X’s and O’s.

Despite this, he floundered in his box without so much as a division title.

From the dirt, Mullen screamed, “look at me!” towards the men at the adult’s tables above him. Despite the red nose and rainbow wig he wore, his presence here was clearly insignificant to the other men in the scene.

Suddenly, I heard it in the distance...

“WHOAAAAAAAAAAA...WHOOOAAAAAAAA...YYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH...WHOAAAAA!!!”

And then I saw it.

As I watched the above video, I realized that Kirby Smart hiring Scott Cochran away from Alabama might be the biggest off-season move in the history of sports. Due to the current Coronavirus pandemic, it is a development that could have a ripple effect through generations.

Here is a comprehensive list of people that the citizens of Alabama have taken public health advice from in the last century...

  1. Bear Bryant
  2. The Golden Flake Potato Chip Company
  3. Bobby and Davey Allison
  4. Scott Cochran

*END OF LIST*

Much has been made about Cochran leaving Nick Saban’s program. Some sports writers have called it “the beginning of the end.” Others have labeled it an insignificant occurrence that the media has blown out of proportion.

At the very least, Cochran might have left with a picture of Alabama’s recruiting board on his cell phone.

At the worst, his moving to a new state, and being, “a dirty rotten traitor who ain’t gonna be worth nothing without Nick, PAAWWLLL,” may cause the collapse of Alabama’s entire public health system.

Who will encourage the citizens of The Yellowhammer State to wash their hands with fury and passion?

Who will teach them safe social distancing protocols?

Is this all part of Kirby Smart’s master plan?

The World waits...

As always, GO DAWGS!

***Please note that all of us at DawgSports and SB Nation hope that Coronavirus has as small of an impact as possible in Alabama, Georgia and everywhere else. We encourage the taking of any precautions and recommendations that local health officials make.***