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An Exhaustive List of People Who Clearly Have It In For Dabo Swinney

You may find this surprising, but millionaire celebrity college football coaches have a lot of people disrespecting them. Often on a daily basis. Oh sure, it may seem that being in charge of one of the nation’s premier football programs is an endless parade of champagne and roses. But in reality the head upon which the crown rests is a heavy one, which must remain on a swivel at all times due to plotters, conspirators, and various flavors of disrespecter.

Take Dabo Swinney, for example. His team has won two of the last three national titles. They began this season #1 as well, and despite playing a schedule that is uniformly ranked in difficulty somewhere between those of Camden County High School and a wet napkin, remain securely in the College Football Playoff.

But the grown man who no joke wants you to refer to him in serious conversations as “Dabo” must stay on the lookout. Because haters gonna hate on Lil Ole Clemson, y’all!!!

Who has it in for Dabo? I’m glad you asked.

The College Football Playoff Committee, singly and collectively. Just itching for an excuse to rank Georgia #1, as noted above. There’s no actual hard evidence of this. But that’s how the Illuminati do business, Chief.

Reverend Jim Stone, Pastor at the Howard Rock Baptist Church. Sunday may be a day of rest for you, college football fan. But for coaches like Dabo Winston Swinney, it’s the day to get off on the right foot for the whole week.

Which is probably why the righteous Jim Stone, noted Gamecock sympathizer, decided to sermonize for 10 extra minutes about loving thy neighbor when Dabo could have been making recruiting calls or doodling new onside kick ideas. Did manage to send a five star tailback down in Jacksonville a couple of texts with Cardi B gifs before the missus gave him the side eye though.

Wanda Nance, proprietor of Wanda’s Diner. Dabo stops at Wanda’s for breakfast every Tuesday morning at precisely 6:02 a.m., has two scrambled eggs, toast, and turkey bacon before arriving at the football office at 6:42. Wanda usually opens the doors at 6:00 a.m. sharp. Last week she was still fiddling around in the back at 6:07. Threw the whole day off. How do you come back from something like that? Can’t believe Kirby got to her.

Timmy Hemphill, shelf stocker at Publix. Lay in wait to hand Dabo a gallon of milk on Thursday that he knew darn well leaked around the cap. Timmy’s uncle Skeet was a walk-on fullback at South Carolina, which explains a lot.

Jim Ed Scoggins, Jim Ed’s Barber Shop. While giving Dabo his customary Friday afternoon trim didn’t secure the barber’s cape so that hair filtered down his shirt and made the ball coach itch all day and half the night. Also, Dabo wasted four minutes googling to find out that thing they put on you is actually called a “barber’s cape.” This kind of skullduggery has Ryan Day’s pasty Ohioan finger prints all over it.

Will Muschamp, South Carolina head coach. Gave Dabo’s boys a false sense of security by rolling over like a well-trained Boykin spaniel on Saturday. This required the Clemson coach to borrow a page out of the Nick Saban rat poison/underdog/us against the world playbook and look like even more of a doofus than usual in the process.

And that’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

Until later...

Go ‘Dawgs!!!!