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How to tell if you are in the NCAA transfer portal

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Students Learn About Black Hole In Zhuji Photo by Luo Shanxin/Visual China Group via Getty Images

By now most of you are familiar with the NCAA’s “transfer portal”, the system designed to effectively allow student athletes to know about opportunities at other schools, and for other schools to find out about student athletes who might be interested in them.

In theory it’s a wonder of the free market. School A needs a cornerback. There’s a cornerback at School B looking to attend school somewhere else. We’ve got a love connection!

Sadly it’s not that easy. For one thing the transfer portal is run through a proprietary app which you and I can’t log into. I mean, we could if we got someone to give us their login credentials but we’re not misdemeanory enough for that. Which is sad, because an argument could be made that this information should be public knowledge.

Also just because you’re in the portal doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to play at your school of choice next season. Especially if you have a lame excuse like, I don’t know, you have a sick grandparent hundreds of miles away and you’re an incredibly homesick teenager who only gets one shot at this. Or your mother is recovering from a brain tumor.

And there’s an even more fraught dilemma: how do you even know you’re in the transfer portal? None of us has ever seen inside the thing. Could you, Dawg Sports reader, be walking around in the transfer portal right now? Is a tight ends coach from UTSA or UTEP or OU812 going to blow up your cell phone this afternoon to see if you’ll come for a visit? You. Don’t. Know.

Until now. I’m pleased to present a non-exclusive list of signs that you dear reader are in fact inside the Transfer Portal. If you experience any of these signs or symptoms for in excess of four hours, please see a doctor or wealthy booster immediately.

  1. You play football for UConn.
  2. Dan Mullen is camped out in your living room eating the pistachios.
  3. Geoff Collins is standing on tip toe on your front porch and won’t stop ringing the doorbell and asking if you want to go to Waffle House.
  4. You’re a 6’7, 330 pound offensive tackle who can roller skate backwards on one foot. Also when you turn around you see what appears to be a quasar.
  5. Lane Kiffin just landed a King Air in your cul de sac and asked if you want a ride to Oxford.
  6. Alabama recruiting analysts are telling anyone who’ll listen that you’re not transferring, just suspended.
  7. You just started an entire season at defensive back for NC State and right now you could use a toddy and a nap.
  8. The NCAA keeps sending people to your home to assure you they’re concerned for your wellbeing. And to ask why Hugh Freeze is sitting in a hospital bed next to your pool

If you think of any other signs or symptoms of transferitis, feel free to drop them in the comments. And . . .

Go ‘Dawgs!!!