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A PRAYER TO AUBURN JESUS

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“Maybe God is answering your prayers; he’s simply saying ‘no.’ Or maybe he’s saying it’s not the right time. Or maybe he’s saying, ‘I’m not going to remove that obstacle until you change your attitude and quit complaining about it.’” — Joel Osteen, noted Auburn fan, probably.

Georgia v Auburn Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

IN THE NAME OF THE TIGER, THE PLAINSMEN, AND THE WAR EAGLE

[RUBS TOILET PAPER FROM TOOMER’S CORNER IN THE SIGN OF THE CROSS ACROSS CHEST]

MOST GRACIOUS AUBURN JESUS,

RUINER OF ALL THINGS, SIXER OF KICKS, GOD WHOSE ASS IS NEVER DOWN,

WE PRAY THEE GRACIOUS AUBURN JESUS TO LOOK MERCIFULLY UPON WE, THY HUMBLE SUPPLICANTS, FANS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA,

THOU HAST PUNISHED US SO LONG AND WE PROSTRATE OURSELVES BEFORE THEE AND ASK, HOW LONG O AUBURN JESUS? HOW LONG UNTIL THE DAY THAT YOUR WRATH SHALL TURN FROM US?

WE DO, THIS DAY, HUMBLY REPENT OF ALL THE SINS THAT WE HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST THEE AND THY BARN—ALL THE SINS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T LOOK UP ON WIKIPEDIA AND HAVE TRULY PONDERED IN OUR HEARTS ALL OF THESE YEARS—SAYING,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 1894 WHEN WE FIRST BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THY BELOVED,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 1899 WHEN THY BELOVED WERE LEADING OUR SINFUL DAWGS AND WE SUMMONED THE POWERS OF DARKNESS—no seriously the sun went down and we “couldn’t” light the damn field—IN ORDER TO STEAL A 0-0 TIE WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WIN FOR THY BELOVED,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THE 1920’S WHEREIN YOUR BELOVED ONLY SCORED TEN POINTS IN A DECADE,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME THY BELOVED SERVANT, PAT DYE, THOUGH HE KNEW THEE NOT, BETRAYED THOU AND RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD VICTORY BY RECOVERING A FUMBLE AND SETTING UP A GAME WINNING SCORE,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 1982 WHEN LARRY THE GRAVELY VOICED MADE SUGAR FALL FROM THE SKY UPON THY PLAINS AND DID NOT TURN HIS HEART TOWARDS THEE WHEN AN UNKNOWN SERVANT OF THINE BAPTIZED HIM IN THINE HOLY WATER (bourbon & coke),

KYRIE BOJACKSON

WE ESPECIALLY REPENT FOR OUR DEBAUCHED AND INSOLENT STORMING OF THY TEMPLE IN 1986, WHERE WE TORE UP THE PIECES OF THY PLAINS AND TOOK JOY IN RUNNING THROUGH THE WATER FROM THE SPRINKLERS AND STANDARD-ISSUE WATER CANNONS THY SERVANTS TURNED UPON US, YOUR JUDGMENT TO TURN THOSE WATER CANNONS ON THE REDCOAT BAND AS THEY DARED TO CONTINUE PLAYING THE SONG WE CLEARLY STOLE FROM THY SERVANTS AFTER THEY (somehow) STOLE IT FROM US,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 1994 WHEN WE TORE ASUNDER THY BELOVED’S STRING OF 20 WINS WITH A COWARDLY TIE OF ALL THINGS,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 1996 WHEN OUR VERY SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT CANINE REGARDED THY AWESOME POWER NOT AND ATTEMPTED TO BITE THE LEGS OFF OF THY ADMITTEDLY FORGETTABLE UNFORGETTABLY AMAZING SERVANT ROBERT BAKER, YET OUT SINS DO NOT END THERE OH GUARDIAN OF THE LOVELIEST VILLAGE, FOR THEN WE WRETCHES GRIEVED THY HEART BY TAKING THY BELOVED TO “OVERTIME,” A CONCEPT WHICH EVEN THOU KNEW NOT, AND BESTED THEM THERE THROUGH THE POWER OF THE MOST UNHOLY BOBO,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 2002 WHEN MICHAEL JOHNSON CAUGHT A GAME-WINNING 4TH QUARTER TOUCHDOWN PASS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TROOPS AND ALL THY FAITHFUL,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 2007 WHEN WE SUMMONED THE POWERS OF DARKNESS FOR REAL AND BEAT THE EVER LIVING HELL OUT OF THY BELOVED, DANCING THE DANCE OF TELL’EM THE BOY OF SOULJA ALL UP IN THEIR FACE,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 2012 WHEN AARON MURRAY, HAVING NOT HEEDED THE DIRTY HITS RIGHTEOUS COLLISIONS OF THY DOER OF WAR CRIMES RIGHTEOUS SERVANT NICK FAIRLEY FROM TWO SEASONS PRIOR, LED OUR DAWGS TO A 38-0 ASS WHOOPIN OVER THY SERVANTS,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

FOR THAT TIME IN 2017 WHEN WE DAINED NOT TO TURN OUR EARS TO THY RIGHTEOUS 40-17 JUDGMENT AND SPURNED THY GLORY IN ATLANTA BY RUNNING THE DAMN BALL WITH DEANDRE THE WELL-HIS-NAME-IS-NOT-DEANDRE-SLOW AND FORCED THEE TO SUFFER UTTER HUMILIATION AT THE HANDS OF A TEAM FROM CENTRAL FLORIDA,

KYRIE BOJACKSON

IT IS FOR THESE SINS AND THOSE NOT KNOWN TO US THAT WE PRAY TO THEE IN REPENTANCE, THIS DAY, OH AUBURN JESUS.

TEACH US TO LOVE THY WAYS, THOU MOST GRACIOUS GIVER OF VINCE DOOLEY AND TAKER OF TRAY MATTHEWS,

TO DRINK OF THY HOLY WATER WITHOUT THROWING UP,

TO HEAVE TOILET PAPER INTO TREES AND NOT TO POISON THEM,

TO HATE ALABAMA WITH THE HOT MOLTEN FIERY HATRED THAT FUELS YOUR EXTREMELY JACKED BICEPS AND SLIGHTLY, EVEN SURPRISINGLY PUDGY CENTER,

TO FAIL OFTEN AND IN INEXPLICABLY CRUEL AND STUPID WAYS BUT TO ALWAYS BE AN AFFABLE EVEN ENJOYABLE FANBASE,

TO WIN ENOUGH TO BE FUN AND LOVABLE BUT NEVER ENOUGH TO TURN FOOTBALL INTO THE JOYLESS PROCESS,

TO BE PETTY WITH ONE ANOTHER INCESSANTLY, TO LAUGH AT ONE ANOTHER, TO TALK TRASH ALL THE DAYS OF OUR LIFE BECAUSE IT IS IN THE TALKING OF TRASH THAT WE SILENTLY TELL OUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, ‘YOU AND I ARE HERE TOGETHER,’ AND IS THAT NOT JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING ‘I LOVE YOU,’?

TO REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE HAVE LOST—LUTZ AND PAUL, ROD AND LARRY—AND ALL OF THE FOND AND PATENTLY INSANE DAYS THEY OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN HERE TO SEE,

FOR ALL THOSE SILLY THINGS WE PRAY TO THEE (AND FOR THAT LAST SERIOUS THING WE PRAY TO ANOTHER),

Amen.