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Monday Bowl Previews/Open Thread: Let’s slaughter some poetry in service of bad bowl games.

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NCAA Football: Tennessee at Vanderbilt
Dammit, where did I park? Why do I always do this?
Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

There are three bowl games today. No team playing in any of these dog and turtle shows has won more than 7 games this season. I’m not saying it’s the worst day of bowls in college football history (though that point’s been made pretty convincingly).

How to preview such an amalgamation of games that should have come with a gift receipt for speedy returns? How about by butchering a beloved holiday classic? Yeah, that seems about right.

The Day After Christmas, College Football-Style

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all ‘round the nation/

There were bowl games be played, but a pretty slim ration/

Missy State faced Miami, the one from Ohio/

What is a St. Petersburg Bowl? Hell if I know.

Boston College was to play Maryland in a bowl sponsored by Quick Lane/

Neither team is very good. They’re in Detroit. Now that’s pain.

N.C. State tackled Vandy in Shreveport of all places/

Honestly I’m just watching for weird Derek Mason faces.

They ain’t much to look at, but they’re all that we’ve got/

When Dan Mullen’s the protagonist, this day’s viewing is just shot.

Unless you’ve got skin in the game, that’s all there is to go over/

‘Till we reach the end and find who nailed you with a late back door cover.*

Spoiler: It’ll be Miami of Ohio.