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So you're saying there’s a chance: Advice for Florida on taking down Alabama

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NCAA Football: Florida at Florida State Melina Vastola-USA TODAY Sports

As you may have heard, the 2016 SEC Championship Game takes place this Saturday in Atlanta, pitting the Florida Gators against the Alabama Crimson Tide. The undefeated Tide are, as one might expect, a prohibitive favorite.

Florida features a stout defense, but Alabama's has been stouter. Florida also features a whirring, rattling twenty year old air conditioner of an offense, while Alabama has efficiently dinked and dunked its way down the field to score enough points to win every contest. Alabama has also developed a nasty habit of scoring non-offensice touchdowns by the bushel.

In short, there is absolutely no reason to believe that the Florida Gators have any chance of winning this football game. And, as usual, that's alright by me. Any Saturday upon which the Sunshine State Saurians lose a football contest cannot be all bad.

But that got me to thinking, exactly what does Florida need to do to win this game? As you might expect, I have some ideas.

  1. Kidnap Jalen Hurts.

2. Kidnap Calvin Ridley.

3. Convincingly frame the Alabama defense for numbers 1 & 2.

4. Spike Nick Saban's oatmeal creme pies with mescaline.

5. Get Lane Kiffin an interview for the Oregon job. Insist that it starts promptly at 5 PM eastern Saturday afternoon.

6. Impassioned Tim Tebow pregame speech, the reboot/sequel.

7. Slip Mike Shula into a couple of pregame Alabama analyst meetings.

8. Litter the end zone with toothbrushes and toothpaste. Alabamians avoid the stuff on principle. Along with "city water.” Because fluorinated water is the devil’s meat marinade.

9. Set up a mobile textbook resale kiosk in the stadium concourse. History dictates that Alabama football players can't avoid those.

10. Wait until next year. By then Alabama’s army of process’d five star recruits will be gone to the NFL. {Checks roster again} Actually scratch that. That one probably won't work.