I just want to say from the onset that I really do like the Georgia Bulldogs and hope they win every weekend. However, I must also admit that I am more of a casual observer and, while I do hope those doggies win each and every match, I don't crumble into a fetal position when they lose, unlike my significant other.
I don't quite get it, but I am British...
Its football season again. Sigh. Life as you know it is over. No more lunches or dinners out with your husband on a Saturday. But before you despair, you need to gear up on your coping strategies to get through the long, stressful season. I say stressful, because even if they win every week, the anticipation of the next opponent begins by about the following Monday and only builds. Certain weekends are worse than others, based on opponent I suppose. You are going to have to gear up. Let me share some of my tips and tricks.
After many months of a generally attentive husband, brace yourself for the next 4 months. Your life is about to change. But this is his time and I strive to make him happy (at least his definition of happiness). Bring home the beer! Stock your fridge with plenty of beer so he does not run out. You absolutely don’t want to have to do a supermarket run at 8 o'clock at night when you are enjoying your favorite show and he is in his 9th hour of non-stop football viewing!
You also need quick and easy frozen food and chips and dips. Again, why should you get in the kitchen at 10 o'clock at night when the "fun" is over and whip up a 3 course meal to absorb that belly full of beer! In my experience when the game is on, and stomachs are churning, the only meal they may want is a liquid meal. He refuses to eat. He says he's always been that way before and during a game. Your experience may differ, but sooner or later they will be hungry again.
Once your husband is positioned in his favourite chair in front of the TV, head-to-toe in black and red, this is when your time begins. This is your opportunity to return to life as a single woman. You will need wine or your favourite alcoholic beverage. Tons of it. You need this as a coping strategy to get through the season – win or lose.
Buy lots of food – the food you miss that your husband never wants to eat. Brie, bread – go for it! Indulge. Nothing labour intensive of course. You don’t want to waste this valuable free time in the kitchen. No! Simple, tasty favourite foods you alone love! This is when you go to YOUR cave! Watch Downton Abbey or your most cherished movie. A DVR is a must have. You cannot live without this gem.
Now, it won't be plain sailing. Prepare yourself for multiple outbursts from the living room with screams of "f*#kity, f*&k, etc" and "horrible!! horrible!!". I understand I will not be hearing "DammitBobo!" any longer. Not sure what a "DammitBobo!" is, but that suites me just fine*.
No matter what expletives are uttered during the game, please avoid any inquiries as to "what just happened", or can expect a remote or some other projectile to narrowly miss a vital body part during these moments. If you assume that Georgia is on the losing end of the ledger, you might be surprised when you take a peek at the TV and notice that Georgia is actually winning 21-0, or similar. Your confusion is understandable, no? The Dawgs are winning. Take a deep breath. Don’t even bother to ask further. Just go back to you cave, have another glass of Pinot Grigio, forget all about it and unwind. You see, even when they are winning, they are losing. It's a very odd phenomenon and it cannot be healthy. It really is quite fortuitous that a college football season is nowhere as lengthy as the English Premier League (Soccer) season. Hooray Liverpool!
Another option: Take a lover! Your husband won't even notice. He is too busy watching, stressing, drinking and blogging. Anyway, make sure you choose someone who hates sports, is younger and in shape with a penchant for good food and wine. Yeah, that's the ticket...
Conversely, if you choose to stay faithful during this time (highly recommended), arrange some outings with the girls. Works just as well and it won't sabotage your marriage. Plus, you don't have to worry about your figure.
Open an account on QVC. My husband admonishes me regularly about my spending habits (which I tend to ignore), but during the next 4 months he owes you something. He just doesn't have to know about it. Anyway, this is a time to shop with reckless abandon. Easy Pay is a must! Once you have purchased your clothes and set up a small $10 or $20 dollar monthly charge on the Visa, you will (or won't) have it paid off by December when your husband finally begins to pay attention to stuff like monthly bills and budgets. Plus, all those great new clothes will have you looking great and your husband will be like, "Wow! You really look great, honey." This is a win-win. Just make sure you don't overdo it on the wine or you could end up making some unfortunate purchases and end up looking like a bag lady before the Tech game.
Beware This Weekend
Gators vs. Dawgs weekend in Jacksonville is the worst weekend of the whole season, unless Georgia wins. Why take the chance that they won't? Bermuda is lovely in late October...truly it is. If you were to slip out of the house sometime early Friday and return sometime Sunday evening/Monday morning, he wouldn't even notice. Book a long weekend and avoid the madness that is Georgia-Florida weekend. Go alone. You deserve the tranquility.
Sad when it's over, though. It does leave a vacuum
Before you know it, the entire strange experience is over and your life changes yet again. There is sort of a vacuum in both your lives because your routine of the last 4 months became just that: a routine. Your husband literally doesn’t know what to do. He bemoans the short season. You blink, then its over. His time must be occupied by something with meaning. Again, encourage him to watch footie, or football (soccer). Perhaps you can tell that I have an affinity for the sport.
No matter what, it is time to take your husband back - hopefully a happier husband after a successful Georgia season. Funny thing...you slowly begin to realize that you miss all the cursing, yelling, screaming. Then highs, the lows. Your husband was so happy! You want him to be happy. It's over until the Fall. Then you smile and reflect on the pride he feels when he wears black and red, and makes little barking sounds and makes little puppy woofing creations with his hands. Lovely. It made him happy.
So here's to a new season! It is much very much like life. The good, the bad and the in-between. And the only thing to do is embrace it and enjoy it. It is quite fleeting, isn't it?
Good luck! (and best of luck to those Dawgs!) Woof!
*Ed: DammitBobo! rolls off the tongue much better than DammitSchottenheimer! I'd better get used to it.