clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Best Shows You Won't See On The SEC Network

New, 107 comments
USA TODAY Sports

Perhaps you've heard. The SEC Network begins broadcasting today. There are already places you can go to find out what cable or satellite package you need in order to view the network, and what channel it will be on your provider. But here's one thing you won't find anywhere but here at Dawg Sports: a list of some of the program ideas which the folks at the SEC Network considered but rejected* for inclusion on the sports channel with more depth and team speed than any other on your dial. For example there's:

  • Trick My Recruit. Yo 'Dawg! We heard you were worried that we got thirty four other five star tailbacks on the roster already! Well you're better than every one of those guys. Especially with your new inboard zero gravity treadmill!
  • Les Miles, Grass Whisperer. Les Miles tames your unruly lawn and dispenses indispensable life wisdom.
  • Will Muschamp, Pet Screamer. Will Muschamp shows up on the doorsteps of unsuspecting pet owners and announces his plans to retrain their animal companions to his own specifications. It goes hilariously wrong. Like, horses high on psychedelic 'shrooms and loose in the Mall of America, wrong.
  • The Back Over .500 Club. Hugh Freeze talks about issues facing contemporary snake oil salesman/football coaches, like whether maintaining plausible deniability is a sin, and whether Ole Miss moving above the SEC West's "big three" of Alabama, Auburn, and LSU would qualify as a miracle.
  • The Amazing Race, SEC Edition. Not a Disney product, but it doesn't matter. Watch Nick Saban run old ladies off the side of the Autobahn. See Dan Mullen reach the checkpoint in Sri Lanka first only to find out that this leg of the race ends in Switzerland. Spoiler: Mark Richt gets eliminated after stopping to give CPR to a guy having a heart attack in the London tube. We're then treated to a post-race version of the Paul Finebaum Show in which Paul gleefully explains that Richt just isn't tough enough to win it all.
  • Spurrier Explains It All. Remember the Nickelodeon kids show featuring Alabama fan Melissa Joan Hart, Clarissa Explains It All? This is a lot like that, except with a whiny male septuagenarian instead of a teenage girl.

I'm sure there are some other ideas that the folks at the SEC Network missed out on. Let us know what they are in the comments. Until later . . .

Go 'Dawgs!!!!

*I mean, I wasn't actually in the room, but come on. How could they not?