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SEC Power Poll Ballot Week Nine: With Special Guest Emo Kevin Sumlin.

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Crystal LoGiudice-USA TODAY Sports

I'm sadly a little late getting my SEC Power Poll ballot posted this week. But I think you'll agree it is well worth the wait. That's because this week I have a special guest commentator on my ballot, coach of the Shoegazin'-est team in the SEC right now, Emo Kevin Sumlin (seen above in his most depressed track suit).

MD: How you doing coach?

Emo Kevin Sumlin: Perched on a razor's edge, teetering between resignation and madness.

MD: Sounds like a hoot and a half. You ready to talk some power rankings?

EKS: Power is an illusion, the currency of the elites and the magic elixir of the foolish masses.

MD: My Grandpa used to say the same thing after his third gimlet. Anyway, how are you ranking the SEC this week Kevo?

EKS: Sigh....

1) Mississippi State: Their joy, like all joy, is only temporary and will soon be recognizable as folly.

2) Ole Miss: The Brooks Brothers don't love you either.

3) Auburn: In the caves all cats are grey. These cats however are covered in green and about to beat the crap out of South Carolina.

4) Alabama: There's no end to the cruelty man is willing to inflict on his fellows. {Hears leaves rustle outside, dives under the table}. Did you hear that!?!

5) Georgia: If I disappeared from the face of the earth would anyone even notice I was gone? If I were replaced by Nick Chubb, probably not.

6) LSU: The tide of time comes in and goes out, savagely destroying the petty sandcastles we build to pass the days before death. Also Les Miles still has a decent defense and still doesn't know who should play quarterback for him. Ole Miss's defense won't make his decision any easier.

7) Missouri: Cobbled together a football victory from the refuse left behind by Florida, spackling together a hovel of fumbles, with mortar wet by Jeff Driskel's tears.

8) Arkansas: They've tried so hard and gotten so far. In the end, it doesn't really matter. The Razorbacks will still be the best 4-8 team in America.

9) Texas A&M: Life is a dull march marked by decay and eventual death. So apparently is our season.

10) Kentucky: No one appreciates what Mark Stoops has done, and they won't until it's over and he's thrown shivering into the streets of Lexington, to fend for himself, washing Rich Brooks' Mercedes for change and stealing horse feed from the stalls at Keeneland to survive.

11) South Carolina: If South Carolina now defeats Auburn the descent into random terror will mercifully be complete.

12) Florida:I can't even talk about this one. It's just too depressing, even for me.

13) Tennessee: Close my eyes and hold so tightly, scared of what the morning brings. {Looks at Vols' schedule, sees Crimson Tide}. Sigh.

14) Vanderbilt: Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. And Derek Mason would trade places with me in a second.

Feel free to tear apart what little self-esteem and sanity I have left in the comments. Or don't. Whatever. Emo Kevin Sumlin, out.