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Keep Your Enemies Closer: If You Couldn't Be A Bulldog Fan, Just What Would You Be?

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Dawg Sports asks the unthinkable and waits for your heartfelt, heretical and hilarious responses.

Kevin C. Cox

Kick it, maestro:

In summers past Dawg Sports readers and authors shared their "Dawgographies", stories about how we each came to be red and black dyed Georgia Bulldog fans. Those stories were as varied as they were entertaining. There were stories about our college days, about family, about exhilarating victories and crushing defeats.

But recently while considering these stories about lifelong fanhood being born I asked myself a perplexing question, one which I now ask you, Dawg Sports readers: if you had to be a fan of an SEC school other than the University of Georgia, which one would it be?

I know, it's borderline unthinkable. I've tried to imagine myself in the colors of all thirteen of our conference coevals one after the other. None of them quite fits, but some fit more poorly than others. For example I couldn't even begin to allow myself to imagine life as a Florida Gator fan. I hate Florida. That one was just unthinkable. I don't think I'm paranoid enough to be a South Carolina fan. Besides, even if I was the SEC office would hatch some sort of plot to make me become an Alabama or Georgia fan.

Every Missouri fan I've ever met was nicer than every fan of any other school. And if I was an Alabama fan I would be able to pretend that I know more about football than other fans because my school's coach does. I thought being an Auburn fan might be lucrative, but then I realized that being an Auburn player is where the real loot is at. So no go on that one.

If I were a Kentucky fan I'd have to forget that the game of football exists, but I might get to sit near Ashley Judd at a basketball game. It would take me a decade or more to get up to speed on all the indecipherable jibberish one has to master to become a Texas A&M Aggie. Really, it's a commitment that I'm just not certain I'm willing to make.

Finally I decided, I think I'd be an LSU fan. For one thing, drunk LSU fans are at least as obnoxious as drunk Georgia fans. I'd fit right in. Also some of the nicest visiting fans I've met in Athens have supported the Bayou Bengals, like the one who came up to me as I trudged to the car after the 2009 debacle, slapped me on the back and said "don't nobody deserve to get punched in the nuts like that." With the possible exception of Florida Gator fans he was right, and I appreciated the gesture.

I'm a huge admirer of cajun and creole cooking, so I think the tailgates consisting of various jambalayas, gumbos and etouffees would work for me. Really there's nothing that walks, crawls, flies or swims that can't be made edible with a roux and enough time. The Abita Brewing Company, makers of the first ever Cocktail Thursday drink (Turbodog Ale) are right down the road from Baton Rouge. The football team is excellent, the stadium is raucous, and the coach is a wacky bastard who everyone, even bitter rivals, have to admit is at least entertaining.

So there you go, I've made my choice. Now tell me yours. If you couldn't be a Bulldog, where would your SEC allegiances lie? Until later . . .

Go 'Dawgs!!!