clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

No Foolin': Seven College Football Realities We Only Wish Were An April Fool's Day Joke.

What do you mean keep my shirt on? I've been doing P90-X!
What do you mean keep my shirt on? I've been doing P90-X!
Al Messerschmidt

As you probably know by now, this is the day when all across the internet savvy pranksters dupe the unsuspecting masses with carefully choreographed hoaxes. Heck, we here at Dawg Sports have been known to do a little April Fooling ourselves. But you know what's stranger than fiction? College football reality. With that in mind, here are ten very real pieces of college football reality that I only wish were some twisted April Fool's Day joke.

Lane Kiffin. The fact that this guy ever got to the helm of one of college football's premiere programs is further proof that it's not what you know but who you know, and that people will fall all over themselves to secure the idiot they're familiar with rather than taking a chance on a certifiable gridiron genius whose dad they never played golf with.

Sandstorm. Recently I came to a sad realization. In the year 2013 Sandstorm has gone from a lame song from a couple of years ago that every college football program with no tradition to speak of plays at kickoff, to a song from 14 years ago that every college football program with no tradition to speak of plays at kickoff. Bottom line, in the battle between those with good taste in such traditions and those without, we've lost. And you know who "we" is.

Georgia Tech fans' delusions of academic grandeur. It's not a uniform self-delusion, but it's close enough to be hard to fathom. If you listen to 68% of Georgia Tech football fans you'd think they cheer for 85 future rocket propulsion specialists on fall Saturdays. They also like to quote some dithering nonsense about the average Georgia Tech graduates making something like $250,000 per year. Oh statistics, thou art a tricky seductress. For the record, in a sample set that includes male members of Lady Antebellum and R.E.M., attending the University of Georgia gives you a 100% chance of winning a Grammy.

The one point safety. It's real, and it exists solely for the purpose of one day giving either Jesse Palmer or Brock Huard an aneurysm. And when that happens, we'll all wish that we'd done more to stop it.

The Longhorn Network. Hey, I've never seen the inside of a meat grinder, either, but I still know it sucks.

Shirtless Steve Spurrier. Every man hits an age at which he really should no longer be seen in public shirtless. For some it's 9. For others it's 30. I don't know when it was for the Ole Ball Coach, but I know that day is not in the future. Put on a shirt, Grandpa. It's just embarrassing at this point.Whether on a boat, with a goat, holding a Coors, or upon the moors, it just isn't right.

Mark Richt's Abe Vigoda scalp tattoo. I know, you've never seen it, but trust us it is real, it is majestic, and it is responsible for at least 31 of CMR's career wins. The only reason it's on this list is that when it's discovered every male Dawg fan will feel the need to get one and it will cheapen the original.

We'd love to hear what college football realities you wish were just a bad joke. Until later . . .

Go 'Dawgs!!!