The Internet has to be abuzz with something at any given moment, and when it's not shaming the family dog, and it's December, there's a good chance that something involves college football's silly coaching change season.
And no coaching soap opera has been quite as soapy this offseason as that involving the University of Texas. Sure, there's the rumors than Nick Saban will be going to Austin in exchange for $10 million per year, a 1% stake in the Longhorn Network*, and a pet llama named Grover who speaks Farsi and can see the future**.
I don't know if Nick Saban will ever coach football at the University of Texas. I suspect that given his age, the pigskin buzzsaw he's built in Tuscaloosa, and the fact that the Governor would literally pull the gold fillings out of the mouths of retirees in Wetumpka to pay him whatever the hell he wants, I doubt that Nick Saban is going anywhere.
I do not, however, doubt in the least that Longhorn fans are getting their pitchforks and torches ready if Mack Brown doesn't step gently into the quiet night of college football coaching***. Heck, it might not be this winter. But it's gonna happen. The University of Texas is going to have to find someone else to pay obscene amounts of money to coach football.
And when Mack eventually gives up the whistle to whoever the new gold toilet-seated bastard is, he's going to have to do something with his suddenly much less valuable time. We at Dawg Sports are here to help. Here they are. Our suggestions for Mack's second act:
- Fill-in tour drummer for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. He's been accused by some of being unimaginative for a while now. He might as well go ahead and prove those folks right.
- World's worst high school guidance counselor. Would tell every
quarterbackkid with a decent report card armhe could be an astronaut.
- Arch-villain on Game of Thrones, Macknar the Overcompensated.
- SB Nation HQ fire marshall.
- Science teacher turned meth kingpin. Wait, that's been done. Moving on ....
- Ultra-folksy WalMart greeter. May replace Manny Diaz as the guy who checks your receipt on the way out the door, however. Because Manny wasn't stopping anybody.
- New American butler who replaces Mr. Carson on Downton Abbey. Recurring gag will involve him telling Lord Grantham to get out of his gold-encrusted leather chair.
*Which is worth, like, $12.50, but rumormongers gonna monger.
** Totally untrue, but Grover is a serious candidate for the Florida Atlantic job.
*** As all Finebaum listeners and Pat Dye will tell you, that particular quiet night involves hawking fish pond supplies. 'Cause scotch ain't free and beer's for those what can't hold their liquor.