clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Nostradamus Speaks!

New, 6 comments

Dawg Sports finally caught up with the preeminent prognosticator of pigskin pulchritude, Nostradamus. He's a hard man to find and hasn't granted an interview in a couple of years. I present, the man, the myth the legend and the most popular guy on the Vegas Strip: Nostradamus

Nostradamus:  He sees things...
Nostradamus: He sees things...
me

DavetheDawg: Where in the hell have you been?  Last time we spoke, you had quite a few interesting - and accurate - things to say.  But this season our defense has become toothless at times and all sorts of stuff has conspired against us.  A little heads up would've been nice, you know.

Nostradamus: Look, man.  I've got bills to pay and predicting the fortunes of college football teams isn't necessarily what keeps me in the black.  However, I have been watching things unfold from afar, and I am just as shocked as you are at the bad luck that has befallen the Dawgs.  However...I'm getting a good vibe for this weekend.

DtD: Oh, do tell!

Nostradamus: First of all, congratulations on your promotion.

DtD: What promotion?

Nostradamus: Trust me...

DtD: Wow!  Thanks.  I'll probably sleep better now.

Nostradamus: Back to the the soothsayin' stuff.  Did you purchase 3-D Printing stocks like I told you to do about 6 months ago?

DtD: Yes.  Yes, I did.

Nostradamus:  I'll be expecting a little commission.

DtD: You were spot on.  But back to football.  What do you see happening this weekend...you know....The World Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.  I hear it could really rain.

Nostradamus: Dave, man.  That's supposed to be your area of expertise.  It'll be a wet tailgate, a wet field to start...but things improve during the course of the afternoon.  Take a poncho and a bottle of honcho...

DtD: We aren't talking the epic Monsoon of '93, are we?

Nostradamus: Nah, it'll be a bit damp...but that was a real washout.  I blame Glenn Burns.  He's a Gator, you know.

DtD: Vile critters they are...two legged and four legged.  Okay, so we've settled the Meteorological aspects of things.  What about the game, dammit.  How we gonna do?

Nostradamus: I can tell you one thing.  Those Dawgs are going to be fired up.  Especially Ray Drew.  That Vanderbilt fiasco?  I didn't even see that coming.  Well, actually I did because, after all, we are talkin' about SEC Officiating...but I really didn't want to cause Widespread Panic amongst Dawg fans, so I just kept that foresight to myself.  That was truly ugly...

DtD: So, the defense gets a boost out of Ray Drew?

Nostradamus: Oh, yeah.  And that big nose tackle...what's his name...Mayes?  He's gonna factor in somehow.  I'm really liking that kid Wiggins.  I told his mom  in about 1997 that she should get advance tickets to tomorrow's game because something big is gonna happen.  Trust me.

DtD: Okay, big question:  What about Gurley.

Nostradamus: All week I've been envisioning circular things.  I couldn't get clarity until just yesterday.  What was I seeing?  Not just geometric objects, but specific ones...they resembled wheels.  Then it hit me:  I see Wheel Routes.

DtD: I love this play.  We never call it.  Why, oh why is this?

Nostradamus: It's because of the cursed palimpsest made of well-worn and oxidized papyrus of an avacado hue...

DtD: What the hell are you talking about...?

Nostradamus: The Green Notebook, dummy.

DtD: So, we ditch it? Please tell me we shake things up.

Nostradamus: Absolutely.  We're gonna run Gurley wide, in the middle and make Florida deal all day long.  And the wetter the field, the better.  Tight ends?  We got 'em.  Well, I don't anymore per se, but you know what I mean.  Damn Pilates never worked for me at all...

DtD: "We're" gonna run Gurley wide."  You sound like a Homer.  This is making me feel pretty good about things.  Anything I should worry about?

Nostradamus:  Ah, Homer.  He was a good man.  The Iliad wasn't his best work.  The Odyssey works best when George Clooney plays the lead.  He used to write a lot of pulp before he got big press.  I digress...to your question, fine sir!:  Punting.  I don't recommend it.  I see more bad things happening, too, if we do.  Everything beyond the 50 is 4-down territory.  Seriously.  Florida's offense is the worst idea since the Edsel.

DtD: So, we get inspired play from Ray Drew and Todd Gurley is essentially gonna be a beast.  Anything else to add?

Nostradamus: Yes.  I see Will Muschamp's name...it's appearing on someone's speed dial...it's a little hazy...wait....wait...Ah! Yes.  The haze was smoke from a distant bong.  FAU seems to have an interest in Coach Boom.

DtD: Thanks, Nostry.  You're the man.

Nostradamus: Get a colonoscopy.

DtD: Why?

Nostradamus: Trust me...