We here at Dawg Sports try to deliver a full-service weblog, but we know what you want. We know what every fan of the Georgia Bulldogs wants. You want news relevant to Red and Black football, and you want snarky mockery of the opponents who have the audacity to stand in the Athenians’ way. We hear you, Bulldog Nation; we hear you. Here’s what you need to know about the teams on the Classic City Canines’ 2012 schedule:
We begin with the Buffalo Bulls, who rebounded from their season-opening loss in Athens by outlasting the Morgan State---I’m not looking that up; let’s say, the Captains---by a 56-34 final score. Branden Oliver (238 rushing yards and two touchdowns) and Alex Zordich (237 passing yards and four touchdowns) were the standout performers, but Khalil Mack tallied eight tackles, including one and a half sacks, in his return to action.
In their first conference outing as members of the SEC, the Missouri Tigers fell to the Red and Black. (Duh!) As befits a college football team with gold uniforms and a partial SEC pedigree for whom the idea of beating Georgia is an impassioned offseason fantasy with a decidedly limited history of blossoming into reality in the last several decades, Mizzou fans responded by parsing numbers.
With their new attitude firmly in place, the Vanderbilt Commodores set sail against the Northwestern Wildcats, who defeated the visitors from the Music City by ten points. Evidently, we’re not justified in saying it’s the same old Vandy after an 0-2 start because the Commies have played teams tough, but I’ve always remembered the ‘Dores playing teams tough and losing. Maybe that’s just me, though.
The Tennessee Volunteers walloped the visiting Georgia State Panthers by a 51-13 margin. Are your palms starting to sweat just a little bit about the game against the Big Orange, Bulldog Nation? I ask that because Tennessee’s passing game hasn’t been this dangerous since at least 2006. I remember 2006. Bad things, man. Bad things!
Despite the absence of starting quarterback Connor Shaw, the South Carolina Gamecocks clobbered the East Carolina Pirates, 48-10. The final margin was thoroughly one-sided, but Garnet and Black fans don’t like it that Marcus Lattimore continued to appear rusty and the Gamecock secondary surrendered more than 300 yards through the air. Curse you, SEC office, for conspiring against Georgia by forcing the Bulldogs to play South Carolina late, instead of in the traditional early-season spot!
The Kentucky Wildcats picked up their first win of the season in a 47-14 bludgeoning of the Kent St. Golden Flashes after trailing by a touchdown at the end of the first quarter. This inspired such confidence that Kentucky fans now dream of seeing a Wil_cat defense which is awful only in the secondary, provided the defensive line stops being awful. Yes, I called them the Wil_cats, because they have no “D.”
The Florida Gators overcame a halftime deficit to card a 20-17 win over the Texas A&M Aggies in College Station. How thrilled were Sunshine State Saurian partisans at the thought of beating an opponent with a pulse? So thrilled, they forgot the Georgia Bulldogs even existed! I reckon I’d want to forget, too, if I knew the metronomic 20-year pendulum was going to swing against me for the next two decades.
Believe it or not, the Mississippi Rebels improved to 2-0 in an 18-point triumph over UTEP. Even more amazing is the fact that, if there is a drinking game that calls for fans to drain their glasses whenever Ole Miss gains 500 yards of total offense, the Black Bear faithful have knocked back a few for two straight Saturdays. Seriously, Mississippi fans have invented a drinking game for watching the Rebels play football, right?
The Auburn Tigers absorbed a 28-10 drubbing from the Mississippi St. Bulldogs in Starkville to fall to 0-2. Much like the Plainsmen themselves, Auburn fans have nothing. You know, nothing; as in, what the NCAA was able to uncover after a player known to have been shopped to the highest bidder by his own father just happened to sign with a program that has been busted for giving improper inducements to recruits on more than a half-dozen occasions over the last half-century.
In Southern Conference action, the Georgia Southern Eagles came up short against The Citadel, dropping a 23-21 decision on the road in which the winning field goal came with 35 seconds remaining. I hate it for Georgia Southern, but it’s a good omen that the Eagles are losing to Bulldog teams already.
Last, and by all means least, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets handily dispatched Presbyterian, eking out a 59-3 victory over the Blue Hose. Both combatants demonstrated a penchant for big plays, and, apparently, someone named Vad Lee appeared proficient at something other than either vampirism or playing bass guitar in an also-ran late-‘80s hair band, which is all at which I would expect someone named Vad Lee to be competent.
You are now fully briefed on the Bulldogs’ opposition, and you are cleared to begin going about your business.