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Texas A&M President Bowen Loftin Will Hold You Hostage Until You Show Some SEC Pride, Aggie Students.

Back in my time if you were a college student and you found yourself in desperate need of money you had a variety of good options. With the proper clearances you could sell any number of bodily fluids. You could tutor foreign students in English Lit and Composition, helping to expand the hegemony of the Oxford comma worldwide. You could hustle Sigma Chis in pool. You could walk from tailgate to tailgate trying to convince alumni that you're a placekicker for the football team and begging for illegal benefits.

Now, however, it appears that down on their luck college students have been reduced to appearing in exploitative conference hype videos for cash. At least at Texas A&M:

Tragi-commentary after the jump.

Where to begin. For starters, there's the poor Razorback kid who is obviously really trying to find his inspiration. The cowbell ringer who may in fact have beaten Bowen Loftin to a bloody pulp with the cowbell after the cameras left. The Hotty Toddy guy who may be doing a sly impression of Boston Rob from Survivor. The young lady who seems truly baffled by what "M-I-Z-Z-O-U" means/implies/stands for (don't worry, honey, we're with you. It's like the Diet Dr. Pepper of midwestern states, technically a cola but without the corn syrup). The guy doing the Tennessee cheer who clearly and fortunately vetoed singing "Rocky Top". The young man doing the Kentucky cheer who's so obviously thinking "Kentucky? Really? I don't even get to wear the plastic pig hat? This blows." All the rest of us who saw this and thought "Vanderbilt has a cheer? Who knew?"

The girl yelling "Go 'Dawgs!" at least has a passable woof. So there's that. And the young lady yelling "War Eagle" probably showed that degree of Auburn enthusiasm without being paid $200,000, so good on her. Oh, and the kid doing the Gator chomp is actually wearing a Florida Gator hat even though he's probably never set foot in Gainesville. Which really makes him a perfect embodiment of 97% of the Gator fanbase. But all in all, this is child exploitation which would make the folks at FoxConn stare uncomfortably at the floor.

God bless you, Texas A&M. You are the overly enthusiastic, socially awkward cousin our little family has been missing. We cannot wait for you to spill boiling creamed corn on yourself at Thanksgiving dinner like so much kitchen napalm, before running screaming from the house and being chased by the family dog all the way to the city limits sign. Because we think you have that kind of crazy in you, Aggie Nation. And we look forward to seeing it on display. Until later . . .

{Glances off camera with just a hint of uncertainty at Bowen Loftin, holding a pistol in one hand and a set of jumper cables in the other} . . .

Go 'Dawgs?????