I hate the Nebraska Cornhuskers.
All right, not really. In fact, based on everything I know about the Cornhuskers and their fans, I don’t have any reason to dislike them in the slightest. However, the Georgia Bulldogs are playing Nebraska for just the second time ever on New Year’s Day, so it’s high time we started working up some first-class contempt for the ‘Huskers, because, hey, we’re Georgia fans; we hate everyone, right? Here are five reasons to despise the Nebraska Cornhuskers. They’re the best I can do, really:
1. Larry the Cable Guy. A lot of folks mistake Daniel Lawrence Whitney for being a scalawag, like his Blue Collar Comedy Tour buddy, Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, he’s a carpetbagger: Larry the Cable Guy is a Nebraska native, a Lincoln resident, and a Cornhuskers fan who began affecting a Southern accent in his comedy routines after having college roommates from Georgia and Texas. Larry is one of them, and he makes his living by making fun of us. His schtick is tired, annoying, and git-’r-dumb.
2. The Memorial Stadium sellout streak. Beginning with the homecoming game on November 3, 1962---six years to the day before I was born---Nebraska has sold out every game the Cornhuskers have played in Lincoln. In the abstract, 50 straight seasons of selling every seat for every game sounds pretty impressive, but, when you pause to think about it for a minute, it’s actually a source of shame. If there hasn’t been an unsold seat in Memorial Stadium in half a century, Lincoln needs a bigger stadium. If you don’t believe me that the University of Nebraska athletics administration deliberately has suppressed supply to keep it below market demand and create an ersatz scarcity, take Tom Osborne’s word for it: Lincoln needs an expanded stadium, yet the Cornhuskers refuse to enlarge their arena to accommodate their fans for fear of losing this dubious title. As with Hartsfield-Jackson’s status as the busiest airport in the world, Nebraska’s home sellout streak looks like a point of pride but is in fact an embarrassing hallmark of inadequate planning.
3. I hear bad things from chuckdawg. Nebraska is flat. Nebraska is ground zero for tornadoes. Aside from having dangerous weather patterns, Nebraska is dull, so much so that, according to chuckdawg, opening a new Chick-fil-A or bumping into Kirstie Alley constitutes big fun in Nebraska. I’m sorry, what? That’s Kansas, not Nebraska? Oh. Well. In that case, I hate Nebraska for being located in a place I can’t be bothered to distinguish from Kansas, then. Try creating a state based on mountain ranges and rivers instead of using a ruler and a map, how ‘bout it?
4. They’re not clearly inferior to us in every way, shape, form, and fashion. Entering the 2012 college football season, Nebraska ranked ninth nationally in all-time winning percentage (.701) and fourth nationally in total victories (846), whereas the Bulldogs were 14th (.646) and 11th (747), respectively, in those categories. The 2013 Capital One Bowl will be Georgia’s 48th bowl appearance and the Cornhuskers’ 49th. The ‘Huskers fielded their first football team in 1890, two years before the Red and Black did, and Nebraska leads the all-time series with Georgia, 1-0. We’re not used to seeing the Bulldogs square off against teams that aren’t clearly behind the Athenians in the pecking order---neither the Auburn Tigers nor the Florida Gators nor the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets have as many wins, as high a winning percentage, or as many bowl appearances as Georgia, and none of those three rivals has an older football program than, or a winning record against, the Classic City Canines---so it’s disconcerting to head into the postseason against an opponent with a pedigree even remotely as storied as our own.
5. They’re too nice to dislike. Nebraska fans have a national reputation for being among the classiest in college football, and for being especially gracious to opposing fans. Every Cornhusker fan with whom I ever have come into contact seemed to be a genuinely nice person. They’re polite to the point of being rude. I mean, really, people; we’re trying to hate y’all over here. Do you mind?
Admittedly, Nebraskans are hard to hate, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you can come up with better, preferably humorous reasons for despising the Cornhuskers that meet the site standards here, by all means, let us know in the comments below.