Miami-Dade Community College Introduces DavetheDawg as Head Coach

Editor's Note: Earlier on Monday in the media room of the Miami Airport Motel 6. The English version of the original Telemundo Spanish transcript is provided by Freddie "Buddha" Gonzalez. Many thanks.

DtD (at a modest podium in front of a confused gallery of at least 12): I am so excited to be here today and for this opportunity to coach in perhaps the hottest "bed" of college talent around - south Florida. I realize the school is taking a big risk in hiring a coach before it has even applied for NCAA approval, but I'm confident we'll field a team in 2013 and might even have uniforms. Our mascot will be a German Tourist. Or a Stone Crab.

Will Mancave (CNN): Was this a tough decision to leave...well, what was it that you actually left?

DtD: At the end of the day, this was a family decision. At least, my half of the family. The other half just wants me out of the house as much as possible. I can understand that.

Irving Rose (Miami-Herald-SunSentinel-Palm Beach Post-National Enquirer online version): To your knowledge, did the Athletic Director inform the administration of his/her desire to hire you? I mean, were you properly vetted...considering last year's embarrassing moped crash involving a young lady who was not determined to be your wife?

DtD: That's a damn lie. This school doesn't even have an Athletic Director. And it wasn't a moped. It was a Big Wheel. It only seats one and I was in a Publix parking lot and I crashed into a young lady who was texting. I was alone...you know, upset. Publix doesn't sell Gordo's down here. It was a very trying time.

Jackie N'espaux (NBC): Have you ever coached before? Where will you practice?

DtD: Is Wendy Williams a dude? What the hell kind of question is that! It's all about the spread. And we're gonna run it. Every kid down here runs a 4.2/40. I've watched a lot of college football over the years, so I think I know something about college football. And coaching, too. If that doesn't work, we'll run the triple option even though it takes a damn genius to fully incorporate all the nuances. And no one uses the new stadium up at FAU, at least for football anyways...so I think we can work something out. If not, Dania Jai-alai has space.

Guido Schnaubel (AP): Have you assembled your staff?

DtD: We are talking with Jimmy Sexton now, but feel we can assemble some of the finest ex-SEC minds in the business. We've been in contact with Derek Dooley, Gene Chizik and are really pursuing Gus Malzahn because he's probably the finest offensive guru in the game. He won a National Championship with a single player. He's simply incredible.

Tony Sangreto (AARP Times): Uh, Gus Malzahn is the head coach at Auburn..

DtD: Then we'd be an upgrade, wouldn't we?

Guy Bawling: (FOX) How committed are you to this job and this school?

DtD: Well, it's not like I'm using it as a stepping stone to get to Cincinnati...

Bryan Norcross (The Weather Channel): Do you have a hurricane plan?

DtD: Yeah, we're gonna play 'em every damn season. And you're on notice, UM: There a new sheriff in town and all your recruits are mine! Oh, and tell Jim Cantore he can suck it.

Diane Mangrum (ABC): Dave, another college football team in south Florida? Really? We've got FIU, FAU, UM, USF, and no one really gives a rat's ass about any of them. And then, the competition with the Dolphins, the Heat, the Marlins, and Florida Panthers. How can you expect to draw a crowd with all of these already established sports entities?

DtD: First of all, since the great Howard Schnellenberger went to Knoxville, FAU football has never been the same. Or Miami. USF isn't even in south Florida. It's in Tampa, and that's closer to Valdosta than most Tampians (sic?) will ever admit. FIU has a football team? Prove it. And the Dolphins are applying to the ACC, which will make it superconference, but they just don't draw. I don't know about these Marlins of which you speak. But fishing has nothing to do with stadium sports.

(Miami-Dade Community College facilitator: Okay, we have time for one more question...)

Jimmy Encephalitis (WQOD): Say, didn't you used to be a weather man down here? C'mon...what could you possibly know about coaching college football?

DtD: You don't have to know anything to succeed in this game. You really don't have to know anything about weather to essentially do the same thing. It's all about legs. If you've got good legs, you can coach or stand in front of a map. And I got both, baby. Miami-Dade Community College Football is gonna be bigger than dog racing. You're not gonna be laughing when we're in a BCS Bowl. That ain't a stretch either, pal. I hear the Orange Bowl is letting anyone in these days.

Gehen Sie hairy Deutsch Touristen!