The Georgia Bulldogs are headed to the Lowliest Little Village on the Plains with the chance to clinch an SEC East title. If, like me and Michael Johnson, you remember how that went before, you may need a drink. Allow me to help.
So to catch you up, Auburn has private security nannying their players, who apparently can't be trusted to keep curfew, their coaches may or may not have been taken off the road as a result of potential recruiting hanky-panky, and University President Jay Gogue may have a plan in place to fire Gene Chizik. You know what all this means.
Auburn has us right where they want us. There exist no circumstances under which I could be convinced to take Auburn lightly. I don't care if they are starting a freshman quarterback, and their offensive line is giving Jarvis Jones billboard material, and Brian Van Gorder and Scott Loeffler look totally clueless and unable to get through to the scads of 4 and 5 star recruits dropped in their laps. This game has a history of being unpredictable, as Tra Battle, Michael Johnson, Ben F'ing Leard, and a host of others can attest to.
Likewise, there exists no margin of victory which I would consider too wide for good taste. Because, and stop me if you've heard this one, I hate Auburn. I don't hate Auburn graduates or fans. Taken individually they are no more or less delusional than any other college football fans. But as a group the level of denial among Auburn fans regarding what their football program is has bewildered me for years.
This phenomenon predates Cam and Cecil Newton's entrepreneurial ventures. Which even well-known Auburn boosters don't seem to be denying. As Kyle has made clear in this space in pain-staking detail, if Auburn is winning, Auburn is cheating. And because of this, if Auburn is losing, I am grinning. I am grinning like I just picked up a duffle bag full of cash and dropped it in my brand new bright yellow corvette before picking up my cellphone to ask Dad if there was anything good in the collection plate and if he's ready to head over to Victoryland to play some slots.
There's really only one drink I can think of which goes perfectly with this game: a Cheating S.O.B.
Mix 1 and 1/2 ounces of cranberry juice, 1 and 1/2 ounces of pineapple juice, 1 ounce of tequila, and one ounce of Southern Comfort over ice in a cocktail shaker, then strain into an old fashion glass. Don't embellish it with any garnish. Your Auburn counterpart will do enough embellishing for the both of you.
While you're working on your mixology, feel free to use this as your open comment thread for tonight's Florida State/Virginia Tech game, a game which is not exactly what the folks at ESPN thought it would be back in August. Because this is college football and, God love it, that's how this thing works. Until later . . .