Nacreous Clouds by Alan Light"> clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Hate Week 2012: The Revelation According To Vineyarddawg

Let's get one thing straight: I hate Florida. It's not just a simple dislike, a harmonious discord, or even a deep, latent enmity. I hate Florida with the fire of a thousand suns being fueled by the fire of an additional thousand suns. In a world where my choices were to cheer for Florida or go blind, I'd start learning Braille. Most of the time, I am (relatively) civil while expressing this intense Gator hatred. For one week a year, though, I allow my hate to come out of the closet and be displayed in its raw, naked form. This is that week.

<a href="">Nacreous Clouds</a> by Alan Light
Nacreous Clouds by Alan Light
Public Domain

(Ed. note: TL;DR: Page down to the end of the article for my prediction on the score.)

The Revelation of Uga, which Larry Munson gave him to show his servants - things which must shortly take place. And he sent and signified it by his press representative to his servant Vineyarddawg, who bore witness to the word of Munson, and to the testimony of Uga, to all things that he saw. Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written in it; for the time is near.

I, Vineyarddawg, both your brother and companion in the tribulation and nation and patience of Uga, was on the island that is called St. Simons for the word of Munson and for the testimony of Captain Morgan. I was "in the spirit" on the fifth day, and I heard behind me a loud voice, as of a trumpet, saying, "I am the Red and the Black, the Silver and the Britches," and, "What you see, write in a post on the internets and send it to the seven visitors which will actually read this entire post."

Then I turned to see a new voice that spoke with me. And having turned I saw seven bestriped lampstands, and in the midst of the seven lampstands one like the grandfather of a man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with striped bands. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a fogged window; His hands were like gnarled branches, as if older than time itself, and his voice as the sound of many whining babies; He had in his right hand seven yellow flags, out of his mouth went a sharp one-edged sword, and his countenance was like the sun shining in its strength. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying to me, "Do not be afraid; I am the first and the most important. I am he who hates Georgia, and am blind, and behold, I am the referee in Jacksonville forevermore. Amen. You may call me Penn Wagers."

After these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in the pressbox. And the voice which I heard was like a gravelly trumpet speaking with me, saying, "Come up here, son, and I will show you things which must take place after this."

Immediately I consumed additional Captain Morgan to remain "in the spirit"; and beheld a chair, a metal steel chair set in the pressbox, and one sat on the chair. And he who sat there was like a jasper and a sardius stone in appearance; and there was a rainbow around the chair, in appearance like an emerald.

And I saw in the right hand of him who sat upon the chair a scroll written inside and on the back, sealed with four quarters. Then I saw a Verne Lundquist proclaiming with a loud voice, "Who is worthy to open the scroll and to loose its quarters?"

And I looked, and behold, in the midst of the chair and of the Lundquist, and in the midst of the coaches, stood a football team as though it had been slain, having six wins and one loss. Then the Aaron Murray came and took the scroll out of the right hand of him who sat upon the chair.

Now I saw when the Murray opened the first of the quarters; and I heard Mike Bobo saying first with a voice like a bomb, "Come and see." And I looked, and behold, an offensive possession. The Murray who led it had a cannon; and a play was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer. Bobo sayeth unto him, "First and bomb." And the Murray proceedeth to cast the football heavenward, and the ball came to rest in the bosom of a creature with the head of a Mitchell. And the Mitchell came to rest in the endzone upon the great Field of Everbank.

And I beheld a movement as unto a great earthquake, as all the creatures in the Bulldog Nation arose and cheered their fool heads off. And they sang a new song, saying: Glory, Glory to Old Georgia! And to Hell with Florida!

And The Murray looked unto his brother, The Marshall Morgan, to attain an additional point. Alas, the Morgan did not have the strength of will to control the football, and the forces of Munson retreated back to the sideline.

Immediately thereupon came a time where the great multi-headed scaly beast gained possession of the ball. And one of the heads of the beast is given the blasphemous name "Gillislee." And the Gillislee did proceed down the gridiron with great haste until he came upon the endzone opposite. And the enemies of Munson did cheer wildly upon his entrance to the endzone.

The first woe is past. Behold, the second woe cometh quickly.

When The Murray opened the second of the quarters, I heard a second, familiar but traitorous-sounding voice saying, "COME AND SEE!!" This voice came from another head, scaled with orange and blue, also given a blasphemous name of "Muschomp." And it was granted unto The Muschomp the power to take peace from the Earth, and that people should make aggressive chomping motions one unto another; and there was given to him a great and malevolent temper.

The Muschomp commanded his legions to attack The Murray, which they did with great success. Once The Murray cast his next past heavenward, it was stolen by a blasphemous one named "Marcus Roberson." The Roberson did steal The Murray's pass and return it to his home upon the endzone opposite. And the enemies of Munson did cheer wildly.

The Gillislee did once again scourge and pound the defenses of The Munson's people, and did once again return the football to the endzone opposite. And the enemies of Munson did cheer wildly and perform blasphemous hand gestures.

The second woe is past. Behold, the third woe cometh in approximately half a time.

Upon the ending of half a time, the third of the quarters was opened by yet another head of the great scaly beast with a blasphemous name. This one is named The Driskel. The Driskel did advance the football upon the Munson's defenses with great abandon and aggressiveness. And he cast the ball heavenward, and it landed upon the bosom of the blasphemous warrior named Jordan Reed. And the Reed did return the ball to the endzone opposite. And the enemies of Munson did cheer wildly.

And so continued the great battle of the age, with the blasphemous heads of the great scaly beast returning the football to the endzone opposite time upon times.

The third woe is past. Behold, the fourth woe cometh quickly.

When The Murray opened the fourth and final quarter, there was silence in Bulldog Nation for about half a a minute. And I saw the Coats of Red who stand before The Munson, and to them were given many melodic instruments. Then beings having the appearance of angels, having golden batons, rose and stood in their places. So the Coats of Red who had the melodic instruments prepared themselves to sound.

After the Coats of Red sounded their great and melodic instruments, the great scaly beast returned to the field, continuing to score greatly upon the forces of the Munson and the Uga. When the time had fully come for the match to be completed, a great roar thereupon was heard emanating from the enemies of the Munson.

The fourth woe is past, and the great war completed. Behold, the most frightful woe is yet to come.

Let him who has understanding calculate the number of points scored by the beast, for it is the number scored by many men. His number is 66. The number of points scored by the forces of the Munson is 6.

The Bulldog Nation became full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues because of the pain. They blasphemed the Richt of Mark because of their pains and their sores, and did not repent of their deeds. Great walls of fire, angst, and rage consumed all thereabout, and many were the voices of discontent calling for the termination of the Richt of Mark, The Bobo, and The Grantham, and all of the forces of the Munson and the Uga.


(What, you expected a happy ending? This ain't the Bible. This is Georgia Bulldogs football.)


I know prophecy can be difficult to interpret, so let me TL;DR it for you: We're going to get blown away tomorrow. And then afterwards, all of Bulldog Nation, Athens, and probably Dawg Sports, is going to be consumed by waves of fire and burning sulfur. My prediction for tomorrow: Florida 66, Georgia 6.

But, my friends, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of the scaly and orange, we shall fear no evil. We shall, instead, allow our hatred and enmity to continue to fester for another year. After which time, we will again wage war upon the Great Satan. And maybe next year we might be able to beat the bastards.

(And yet, my hope, which must spring eternal, compels me to end with...)

Go Dawgs! Beat Florida!