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Cam Newton Misquotes Lines From The Office, Misses Third Level Reads. Will Be Fabulously Wealthy Soon Anyhow.

SB Nation homie Jason Kirk has alerted us to a paint-peeling assessment of Cam Newton in Pro Footbal Weekly's recent annual NFL Draft guide. I won't reprint the whole thing here, but suffice it to say that PFW's senior editor Nolan Nawrocki is not riding the Cam Train while chugging Cammy Cam Juice. That's some next-level man-cattiness right there.

It's not really revolutionary stuff, more of a gathering in of all the backroom whispers one would likely expect from NFL personnel evaluators*. I mean, I could write that a guy who was dismissed from his first college despite immense talent because of alleged academic and criminal improprieties and is at the center of a smoldering pay-for-play controversy at his new digs (which he left after one season to turn pro) might be a "me-first" player with leadership deficits. And that's before even seeing the mule-munching-briars grin that so many non-Auburn fans detest. This is not groundbreaking stuff.

Nawrocki's appraisal does confirm my suspicion that the characters in Mean Girls who put together the burn book were actually based on NFL GMs**. Because some of this stuff is just mean-spirited. That being said, I do have a few points I would add to this sifting inquiry into the employability of Cameron Newton:

  • Cam Newton thought The Social Network was predictable.
  • He finds Arcade Fire "too jangly and vaguely derivative."
  • Cam Newton plays both Mafia Wars and Farmville all the damned time and really thinks you care that he has a new litter of piglets. And friended you because you went to the same junior high school.
  • While at Blinn Junior College he worked part time for a mortgage broker and sold your grandmother a 5-in-1 ARM. Last week he walked the foreclosure paperwork to the courthouse himself just because he needed some fresh air.
  • That Rebecca Black song Friday? Cam Newton wrote it.
  • He holds the patent rights to the autotuner.
  • And got them by dangling the original creator by the ankles over a 28th story balcony Suge Knight-style.
  • Suggested that James Franco get into acting.
  • Newton's currently marketing a line of Prince William/Kate Middleton royal wedding commemorative souvenirs made in Guangdong Province. From a proprietary mix of lead and arsenic. And that's just the drinking straws and tea saucers.

It's also worth bearing in mind that NFL GMs could shake loose a few million for Charles Manson if he ran a 4.3 forty yard dash (scouting report: "Natural leader, but prone to lose his head when things break down"). So saying Cam Newton is not a Boy Scout doesn't mean he won't get drafted. Among the malcontents and milquetoasts of the NFL a guy who thumbed his nose at amateurism regulations***, committed petty theft**** and cheated on a test or two***** is a model citizen.

Finally, remember that at least 3/4 of what's written about any given high profile player in the month prior to the NFL Draft is complete and utter horsecrap, spread by people who know it's horsecrap, in an attempt to throw other horsecrap spreaders off their trails. In other words, the same guys who are calling Newton a brat and a troublemaker now will probably be standing on a podium with him next month before getting down to the business of offering him a slight raise over his current wage. Be forewarned.

EDIT: Spencer Hall beat me to the punch in pointing out that Cam Newton may not just be NFL-caliber, he may be on the way to the Hall of Fame. 

Back later this week with some recruiting coverage. Until then . . .

Go 'Dawgs!!!

*Bearing in mind that last year the Dolphins' GM asked a prospective draft pick if his mother was a prostitute, even though he swears he meant no disrespect by it.

** In this equation the Falcons' Thomas Dimitroff is the little sister who learns inappropriate dance moves from watching Girls Gone Wild videos. Which makes Bill Belichick an overserved spring breaker from Wisconsin. Which analogy pleases me immensely.

*** Allegedly.

**** Reportedly.

***** According to unnamed sources.