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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bulldog: A Few Things Every Georgia Fan Should Know About LSU

(WARNING: This post was created under the intoxicating influence of Todd Grantham and the Georgia Defense... and is brought to you by the letters K, T, M, F, and D.)

I'm gonna be honest with you. I hadn't planned to write a "Few Things" post about LSU. The primary reason for this being that, until a couple of weeks ago, I didn't believe we'd be facing them. Winning the East and heading to the SEC championship was a big surprise. A pleasant surprise, mind you, but a surprise nonetheless.

In the interest of full disclosure, I really should share something with you. LSU is my second favorite SEC team. Ok, maybe "second favorite" is the wrong way to put it. I hate everybody but Georgia, want them to lose every game they play, and generally want misfortune and misery to befall all of them. I just want this a little bit less when it comes to LSU. I appreciate the style of football they play and I've found their fans to be knowledgeable, friendly, and enjoyable to be around over the years (of course, your mileage may vary).

But you know something? Just because I didn't expect us to be in this position and I don't totally hate LSU doesn't mean I'm off the hook. Here is your weekly helping of facts, fictions, and ramblings. In short, everything you, as a Georgia Bulldogs fan, must know about the LSU Tigers.

Hit the jump while I drop a little knowledge on ya...

1) Les Miles: Renaissance Man

Leslie Christina Virginia Dorothy Miles (b. 1953) is an intriguing and complex man. A man of varied passions and interests. Leslie is passionate for the game of college football, about this there can be no doubt. But there is so much more to the man, the myth, and the legend.

As a young boy, Leslie was abducted from his home in Ohio by his uncle (a former circus performer/current gypsy fortune-teller). Though the boy was recovered several days later, the damage was already done: Leslie became obsessed with (among other things) ball caps, the smell of freshly cut grass, and an unshakable desire to pursue knowledge of voodoo and dark magic. Aside from this unfortunate incident, Les, or "The Hat" as his friends had taken to calling him, had a relatively normal childhood.

Once The Hat made it to college, however, things began to get very dark. All his urges, which had been drilled out of him by a series of shock treatments and supervised sessions of self-flagellation, began to return. Unable to control himself, he shacked up with a Voodoo Queen and carpeted their entire apartment in lush Fescue.

Several years later, his now wife, Kathy, found him face down and naked in the snow on the side of the highway. Undeterred by his ragged appearance and preoccupation with voodoo magic, Kathy nursed him back to health and helped him pursue his passion for college football.

Among the other things you may not know about Leslie Elvira Miles:

  • For a time, he ran the Midwest's largest underground cockfighting ring and was known as "El Pollo Loco Con Queso" by his enemies.
  • He has run over a dozen marathons (winning the Boston Marathon in the late 90's before being disqualified for using a banned wheatgrass supplement).
  • He has a long history of gardening for both sustenance and pleasure.
  • He enjoys underwater basket weaving, long walks on the beach, and curling up by the fire with his favorite chew toy.

All in all, Les Miles is a man who deserves our fear and respect, if not our allegiance.

Since I do fear and respect the man, I sent him some cologne this week to commemorate his upcoming dominance in the Dome:

If Leslie doesn't succumb to autophagia, Ben Jones will no doubt finish him off.

2) He's Grrrrreat!

Georgia fans are a soft-hearted and loving lot when it comes to live animal mascots. Other than the #1 live mascot of all time, I have to say that LSU's Mike the Tiger is probably the coolest. I mean, come on people, its a live freaking tiger! Like UGA, LSU had to fend off the ridiculous protestations of PETA when Mike V passed away (although I don't think they suggested that the Bayou Bengals replace him with a robot tiger), so in many ways they are kindred spirits in the realm of mascots.

Given the similarities our two universities share in this area, I think we should team up and work together to dispose of the other absurd mascots that populate the SEC. I say we lure Cocky, Albert/Alberta, Mr. Commodore, Aubie, the Rebel Black Bear, Smokey (the fake one), etc. into Mike's habitat with the promise of an appearance in that ever-elusive SEC Championship game. We get rid of those fuzzy ne'er-do-wells, Mike gets a tasty and nutritious meal, and I get to watch one of the great movie scenes of all time play out with a slightly more violent ending

3) It Softens, Moisturizes, and Gives You That "Just Fried" Shimmer

I could use this space to wax poetic about the numerous LSU alumni that have gone on to make a significant mark in the fields of business, politics, entertainment, an so forth. But that would do a disservice to an alumna who has had an immense impact on the fields of dermatology, oral hygiene, dating/human sexuality, adolescent development, and culinary arts. That individual is Jennifer Fleet-Waldmire.

The great-great granddaughter of chapstick inventor Charles Browne Fleet and the granddaughter of corn dog creator Ed Waldmire, Jr., Fleet-Waldmire was destined for greatness. Beginning with a single flavor which was inspired by her time "interacting" with fellow students at LSU, she revolutionized the lip balm market forever.

4) A Chorus of Booooooooos

Every week I like to take a moment to highlight a crazy ass politician from the home state of our upcoming opponent. This week, I have no choice but to recognize former New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin. I'm not going to assess the quality of Mayor Nagin's performance following Hurricane Katrina because this isn't a political blog. I'm not going to comment on Nagin's remarks regarding his belief that it is God's will for New Orleans to be a "chocolate city"... because, frankly, I think that's pretty hilarious on its own.

Instead, I'd like to tell you about a beautiful evening in January 2008. The Dawgs were about to take on the "chip on their shoulder" Hawaii Warriors (h/t Mark May) in the Sugar Bowl following the 2007 season. My father and I entered the Super Dome early and enjoyed the festivities prior to the game. One of these was the introduction of the various city, state, and school VIPs. Michael Adams (Il Duce) was announced to a rousing chorus of boos from the fans in attendance (I can't remember the specific reason, but douchebaggery was involved). Next up, Mayor Nagin was announced. The deafening roar of "BOOOOOOO!" dwarfed the contempt that Adams had received. So I'd like to take this moment to congratulate Ray Nagin for being more hated than Mike Adams... truly an impressive feat.

5) Toast When We Coast & Drank When We Stank

Instead of giving you the usual Toast When We Coast piece this week, I felt it was most appropriate to include it in this diatribe (inspired by LSU as it is). It isn't the most original idea but we're playing the Tigers (with all that purple), former home to the most famous "dranker" of all. Win, lose, or draw, you gotta hit dat...

All this bar fight nonsense the kids do nowadays? Children, listen to your Uncle JaMarcus...

Where You Can Get Your Hands On It: Illegally. Legally. Your choice.

Now you, the sacrificial lamb (Georgia Bulldogs fan), know everything you must about your new purple and gold overlords. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and observations about the SEC Championship game as well as any drankin' suggestions in the comments. Until next time...


P.S. Dawgs Win 16-10... No offensive touchdowns. Hey, I warned you I was high on CTG!