Last fall, an Auburn Tigers weblogger mentioned in the week prior to the Georgia Bulldogs’ showdown with their oldest rival on the Plains that he was awaiting my annual Auburn screed. I do not believe I author such a screed, and I certainly pulled my punches regarding the Plainsmen leading up to the 2010 game, although my feelings about the Tigers are well known. I am, however, a firm believer that, if you’re going to get the electric chair, anyway, you may as well go ahead and kill somebody. (Relax, Auburn fans; it’s just an expression.) Having been falsely accused of authoring such diatribes, I now bring you . . . The Auburn Screed:
I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count only on what I earn. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in using loopholes to inflate artificially their actual record of achievement.
I believe in education, which gives me the knowledge to work wisely and trains my mind and my hands to work skillfully. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in offering bogus sociology courses for athletes, in historical revisionism and/or the inability to perform simple arithmetic, and in this:
I believe in honesty and truthfulness, without which I cannot win the respect and confidence of my fellow men. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in obscuring the facts to a degree that makes conclusive findings impossible and in practicing a staggering degree of cognitive dissonance.
I believe in a sound mind, in a sound body and a spirit that is not afraid, and in clean sports that develop these qualities. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in chop-blocking and in fielding dirty players like Junior Rosegreen, Ryan Pugh, and Nick Fairley.
I believe in obedience to law because it protects the rights of all. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in breaking the rules and covering it up, again and again.
I believe in the human touch, which cultivates sympathy with my fellow men and mutual helpfulness and brings happiness for all. At Auburn, on the other hand, they believe in fans sending obnoxious e-mails and university administrators calling college students on other campuses "sons of bitches".
I believe in my Country, because it is a land of freedom and because it is my own home, and that I can best serve that country by "doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with my God." At Auburn, on the other hand, they can’t even keep track of their own pants.
And because Auburn men and women clearly do not believe in these things that I believe, I do not believe in Auburn, and I hate Auburn.
Go ‘Dawgs! Auburna delenda est!