If you’ve ever read this weekly feature before, you know that I begin each post with a disclaimer pointing out that all the comments made are in jest. I try to make it clear that I don’t really hold much disdain for the school and state about which I’m writing. I won’t be writing that disclaimer this week. I am not joking. I hold a great deal of disdain toward the subject of this week’s post. To put it in terms that every Yankee transplant/Florida "native" in jorts, a wife beater, and an upside down visor can understand: I be fo realz yo!
Georgia fans and Florida fans have a long and rich tradition of disliking each other. As a result, many of us know way more about the opposing school than any sane person should. However, I’m willing to bet there are a number of things you don’t know about Florida… and if you do know them, it wouldn’t hurt to have a little reminder. It’s Georgia/Florida. Their way of life is inherently wrong and ours is inherently right. It’s Hate Week baby!
So hit the jump while I drop a little knowledge on ya…1) Florida Is Not Now, Nor Has It Ever Been, Part of the South
We all know this to be true based on population and culture, but you might not be aware that it is also an accurate statement geologically. At the very beginning of the Cenozoic Era (roughly 65 million years ago), the ancient ancestors of most current Florida residents roamed the Northeastern region of North America. Most were Pantodonts (a cat sized mammal that resembled a sewer rat). When the Pantodonts needed to dispose of waste (whether excretory in nature or the remains of the dead), they did so on a long landmass attached to modern day New Jersey, New York, etc. Over the years, they discarded increasingly large amounts of waste and the land area grew. As tectonic plates lurched apart during the Cenozoic, this land mass gradually moved towards its current location. For the first time, I present you with startling new geological research that indicates the early Cenozoic location of this landmass:
And that’s why when old Yankees get ready to die, they are subconsciously drawn to their prehistoric burial mound.
2) Running With The Devil
When you watch a Florida game, try to pull yourself away from the freak show in the stands. Its all a clever distraction. If you look closely along the sidelines, you’ll more than likely see Albert and Alberta, Florida’s furry mascots (Alligators don’t have fur by the way… and Jaws was a shark, but that doesn’t seem to stop Gator fans). Beneath that cuddly exterior, however, you’ll see pure evil.
Evidently, when Florida sold its soul to the Devil (in order to turn the series with Georgia around), Albert and Alberta were part of the package deal. You see, Albert is hellspawn and Alberta is Satan’s handmaiden. Do you think that ridiculous little hat and obnoxiously large bow are a fashion statement? I can see how, given the average Florida fan’s attire, you might think so… but in reality, they wear them to hide the horns. I have an inside source in the Gator Athletic Department that claims Tim Tebow chose to attend Florida on God’s direct orders to destroy the demons. Upon failing to do so, Timmy naturally wept. Proof once and for all that Gators are evil and must be destroyed.
3) Ooooh… That Smell!
If you’ve ever had the displeasure of driving through Central Florida, you’re aware of a distinct scent specific to the region. I can never quite place it but I’d say it most closely resembles a pile of burning garbage with subtle notes of animal waste. No one knows the exact cause, but my hypothesis is that Florida fans talk so much crap that their words have permeated every molecule of the air, resulting in some bizarre kind of olfactory trash talk.
4) A Florida Alumni Smorgasbord
I normally take time out to focus on a few famous alumni of our upcoming opponent but there were just so many Florida grads worthy of scorn and mockery that I made you a little photo collage. I leave it to you to berate these alums in the comments and to point out any other grads who need deriding.
5) I’d Like to Gradulate Florida….
On their crowning achievement in political idiocy. Everyone’s seen this a thousand times, but as someone who was so inspired by the Congresswoman’s performance that I’ve dedicated this space to crazy politicians ever since, I feel compelled to fill it this week with the visionary that started it all:
Let’s be honest, it never gets old.
This also gives me an opportunity to announce that at the end of the season I will be awarding the Corrine Brown Memorial Political Craziness Chammionship Chalice (Intentionally misspelled and mispronounced of course) to the craziest and most ridiculous politician I have encountered during the season. Best of luck to all the contenders.
6) Sink to the Bottom
One of the great dilemmas of our time is the potential for global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps. Many people take the approach that we should decrease our reliance on fossil fuels and monitor emissions into the atmosphere in an effort to reverse any potential damage. These people need to visit Florida. Once they do, they will realize (as I have) that the melting of the polar ice caps is the greatest thing that could ever happen to this planet.
The USGS predicts that if the ice caps were to melt completely, sea level would rise by approximately 80m. If we can get the polar ice caps to melt only halfway, sea level will rise 40m and the face of the Earth will change forever.
Ahhh... that's so much better.
Now is the time Georgia fans! Trade in those efficient vehicles for a gas guzzler. Spray some aerosol. Burn as much coal as possible. We can make Florida a thing of the past!!!
Now you know everything a Georgia fan must about the hated Gators. They‘re Yankees, their mascots are servants of Satan, their state stinks to high heaven, they are deserving of our mockery (both political and otherwise), and we have a unique opportunity to wipe them off the planet. I look forward to hearing your musings on these topics and many others in the comments. And for any Gator fans that might stop by, just remember… it isn’t that we don’t think you’re nice people, we just hate your stinkin’ guts.