The wackiest offseason ever has now morphed into the offseason that will not end. With over a week to go before the start of the season and no end in sight to the woes of the Georgia Bulldogs, I feel it is my duty to prepare you for the inevitable by letting you know what to expect in the final seven days before the opener between the hedges.
Brace yourselves, Bulldog Nation. Here is what you have to look forward to between now and kickoff:
The entire Georgia bass fishing team will be arrested and stripped of its NCAA championship after it is revealed that the participants in the tournament were fishing with suspended licenses.
Hutson Mason will be picked up on a bench warrant for "just being a Georgia football player minding his own business on a city street." An angry mob of students will begin demonstrating outside the Athens-Clarke County jail, chanting, "Free Mason! Free Mason!" After hearing the commotion outside, the deputies will release the true freshman quarterback once he shows them the secret handshake.
On September 1, Claude Felton will walk into Greg McGarity’s office to welcome the new athletic director on his first day on the job. Felton will be stunned to find McGarity sitting behind his desk with Urban Meyer’s orange panties in his lap.
Reprising his role as Phil Coulson, actor Clark Gregg will invite A.J. Green to embrace his superhero destiny by taking part in the Avengers Initiative. Although Green will decline to participate, the NCAA will declare the Georgia receiver ineligible due to improper contact with an agent of SHIELD.
Orson Charles will break a bench in a downtown Athens bus stop with his buttocks and be arrested for sitting on a suspended license.
Ian Smith will come back to Athens, pass out while seated on a public toilet, wake up, get up, and leave without flushing. Smith subsequently will be arrested for what Jimmy Williamson describes as "something that rhymes with ‘hit and run,’" but the charges later will be reduced to one count of failure to obey duty to strike a match.
David Hale will be hit by a bus while emerging from an alley in Philadelphia. MaconDawg will not have an adequate alibi to explain his whereabouts at the time of the incident.