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Georgia Bulldogs Prepare to Battle Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves, and Other Movie Monsters

(Author’s Note I: If you’re looking for me to gloat at the expense of our division rivals in the wake of recent rumors regarding Maurkice Pouncey and Weslye Saunders, you’re going to be disappointed. People who live in glass houses and lead in the Fulmer Cup standings shouldn’t throw stones, and any unseemly satisfaction any of us may have derived from recent reports out of Knoxville was met with swift retribution in the form of additional alcohol-related Bulldog arrests. For my part, I’m merely going to regret all such embarrassments, at whatever school they occur, and hope for football season to arrive soon so each of us can go back to covering sports instead of being the on-line hosts of "America’s Most Wanted.")

(Author’s Note II: The posting that follows contains an overabundance of mid-1980s cinematic references, even by my standards. You have been warned.)

The recent commitment of tackle Zach DeBell did more than beef up the Georgia Bulldogs’ offensive line and remind us that secondary violations should not be violations at all. DeBell’s declaration of devotion to the ‘Dawgs also provided the Red and Black with extra protection against zombies:

"I’ve seen probably every zombie movie ever made," he said. "That’s why I have short hair. If you have long hair or a mullet they’ll grab it from behind."

That is sound thinking all the way around, from DeBell’s wise avoidance of the mullet to his shrewd recognition that one should steer clear of the undead in all instances not involving Linnea Quigley dancing in a graveyard. In fact, DeBell’s outlook makes so much sense that I believe the sweeping changes taking place in Athens ought to include the assignment of particular players to specific scourges. We may once have called Steve Spurrier "The Evil Genius," but, at the end of the day, he’s just a successful football coach with a snarky sense of humor. If we’re going to ward off actual evil, we need . . .

Four Georgia Bulldogs Assigned to Combat Villainous Entities

Yes, four, because I’m still trying to prove that you can enumerate items on the internet in increments other than three and five while Orson Swindle is at SEC Media Days. Also, Bacarri Rambo v. the Viet Cong was just too easy.

1. Demarcus Dobbs v. mummies: It probably seems a bit unfair to send a 17-game starter with 22 career quarterback hurries to his credit against the slowest-moving movie monsters of them all, but there is a method to my madness. In 2009, Dobbs won the coveted Coffee County Hustle Award in the spring and recorded four and a half sacks in the fall, so I am confident of his ability to get after an opponent who is wrapped in bandages, and, if ever there was a Bulldog suited to going head-to-head with such a foe, the guy who pulled down a game-sealing last-minute interception to beat a team once coached by Hal Mumme is the one.

2. Wes Van Dyk v. vampires: We’re talking about real vampires here, not those androgynous sparkly teenagers who make me nostalgic for the comparatively hardcore tough-guy vampires of "The Lost Boys." I doubt that he will see much playing time at tailback this autumn, but would any of us be surprised to read that Jonathan Harker, Wes Van Dyk, and Abraham Van Helsing were traipsing through Transylvania with torches and crucifixes in search of Dracula?

3. Nick Marshall v. werewolves: Granted, the two-sport Wilcox County standout isn’t yet on campus in the Classic City, but, of the guys in silver britches, Marshall is the one to fire the silver bullet because Mark Richt supports the prep star’s intention to play both football and basketball. As everyone knows, werewolves dig roundball.

4. Orson Charles v. Sauron: Charles is listed at 6’3" and 235 pounds, so he doesn’t exactly look the part of the Hobbit, but what Bulldog would be better qualified than the supersized Georgia tight end to journey into the heart of Mordor and destroy the emblem of darkness’s unholy reign over Middle Earth? The guy who went to Gainesville and broke the Florida Gators’ national championship trophy with his butt sounds perfect for the job.

Since it appears that Mark Richt is focusing the team’s recruiting efforts on procuring players adept at warding off all kinds of evil, I am sure I have missed a few minions of darkness whose efforts could be thwarted by the right Bulldog. Feel free to shed light on the identities of those players in the comments.

Go ‘Dawgs!