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Haters Gonna Hate: Dialogue With A Mad Yellow Jacket.

This is obviously the week of the Georgia/Georgia Tech game, colloquially known as Clean Old-Fashioned Hate. In honor of the occasion I set out upon the internet in search of a Tech partisan who could be counted on to show up here in enemy territory for a bit of good-natured back and forth. Of course, finding a Tech grad who can use a computer is one thing. Finding one who can write in complete sentences, knows a thing or two about college athletics, and can give as good as he gets in a spirited debate is another thing altogether. After much searching, we were able to find a Georgia Tech grad who not only can write in complete sentences, but stinging complete sentences at that. He's regular EveryDayShouldBeSaturday commenter Golden Hand. The below, reprinted with limited editing, is my recent exchange with him about the upcoming renewal of hostilities between the Bulldogs and Yellow Jackets, ripped straight from the pages of EDSBS (hat tip to Spencer Hall for allowing the fans of the most disinteresting game of Rivalry Saturday to engage in an ongoing slapfight without rebuke). We hope you enjoy it.

Golden Hand: Clean Old Fashioned Hate week. On the Internets, that means snide Medieval Lit. majors throwing clouds of wordplay at sputtering, cliche-flinging electrical engineers, to draw attention away from the hordes of detailed-pickup-driving, Olive-Garden-loving, Taylor-Smith-listening, good-ole-boy wannabe insurance agents that ARE the University of Georgia season-ticket holder (trailer trash can’t afford the seat license).

MaconDawg: I assume you're referring to country singer Taylor Swift, but you can be forgiven for not knowing her last name. She is, after all, an attractive young lady, and no attractive young lady has ever given a Tech man her real name. Besides, no clever word play is necessary when your opponent has one series win since the twin towers fell. So have Reggie Ball and Tony Hollings earned enough credits to be eligible yet? Otherwise you guys may still be 1 -for-1990.

Golden Hand: Pay attention, I say pay attention, son. The eligibility thing happened while Reggie Ball was in middle school. I guess you do have to search back in time a bit in order to find Tech’s one and only time on NCAA probation, unlike some people.

MaconDawg: Seriously? Harrick era basketball violations? You guys really are running out of ammo.

Golden Hand: Reggie Ball mention? Look who's talking.

MaconDawg: Can you blame me for mentioning the guy? He's one of our most valuable players of the past decade.

Golden Hand: At least he still has his bowl jerseys. What are your guys gonna do for walking around money when you lose Saturday?

MaconDawg: Schedule Kennesaw State for a paycheck basketball game. Only we'll actually win.

Golden Hand: Ah yes, the "wait till basketball season" comeback. You're becoming more like Wake Forest or Maryland or somebody every day. Good luck driving home from that by the way: 


MaconDawg: Don't have to. I'm hitching a ride with Joe Hamilton. But I have to leave early because I have an 8:00 a.m. small business seminar taught by Reuben Houston.

Golden Hand: Oh, geez, we're pulling out NFL players now? Man, please. Don’t even try to compare rap sheets.

MaconDawg: Let's. So how many unlicensed driving/speeding/scootering without a helmet tickets does it take to equal one "hey man, help me move this 92 pounds of weed"?

Golden Hand: Weak:

1. Don’t try to weasel out of the Fulmer Cup. Embrace it.

2. Alumnus, NFL player. This guy believes that UGA alums are also capable of incompetent weed dealing.

3. Seriously, win-loss and "we have hotter girls" are your strong suits. Trying to claim GT has sketchier players just makes you look silly.

MaconDawg: You can count? Why didn't they hire you to count the seats at Bobby Dodd?

1. No weaseling, we earned it fair and square, one moving violation at a time, cementing our status as the lovable rapscallions of college football.

2. So the best answer you got is "your players do that too?" We’ll call that a push and move on to the tiebreaker . . . .

3. You’re right, this hatefest should have ended with me saying, "Year over year, your football team sucks worse than any group of athletes not coached by Paul Hewitt ever should." Oh, and we won the hot girl contest at the point that it became clear that ours are in fact demonstrably female. Everything after that was just gravy.

But you're right, best  to dance with the one who brought you. Especially at a Georgia Tech Homecoming Dance, because if you don’t dance with her at least once Mom will probably start the minivan without you, you’ll have to walk back to your dorm room alone, and you will be shot for your wallet.

Golden Hand: O noes, not the "counter each of your arguments" troll pwnage!

/4chan’d! And they claim WE’RE the nerds. {editor's note: well, you did use "O noes" and "pwnage" in your response}

Face it, your entire existence is based on cheering on a pack of halfwit steroid-abusers, led by a failed youth minister, symbolized by an obese, bowlegged, testicle-licker. Your stadium is an open sewer, your co-eds are talentless and ordinary-looking, and your most prominent alumnus is a source of never-ending shame TO THE ENTIRE STATE.

MaconDawg: "symbolized by an obese, bowlegged, testicle-licker"? I know you guys are still bitter about Friedgen and O’Leary leaving but I’d remind you that neither one of them waddled our way. And our most prominent alumnus is clearly either Food Network host Alton Brown, Brian "Danger Mouse" Burton of Gnarls Barkley fame, or that kid I took freshman English with who now writes for Squidbillies.

That busted sewer line, like most of the defective infrastructure in our state, was designed by engineers from Georgia Tech. And probably installed by Georgia Southern grads, but let’s not bring them into this. Stephon Marbury and Kenny Anderson would take offense at the halfwit steroid-user remark, but neither one knows what a halfwit is or has the math skills to complete a steroid purchase. Yet both managed to stay eligible thanks to the crack compliance staff at Georgia Tech. Old sauce? Sure. But there’s no statute of limitations on academic fraud. I learned that from Jan Kemp. And I don't know much about 4chan, but I wish you guys would bring back that one Chan who coached the Jackets before. That guy was so giving.

Golden Hand: TLDR

What’s the word on Richt getting canned if he goes 1-2 vs. Johnson?

MaconDawg: Won't happen. He's got at least one more year. Winning 8 of 9 against little brother will do that.

My sincere  thanks again to Golden Hand, an above-average street fighter, excellent salsa dancer, and all-around great American whose one mistake is his allegiance to a football team that's about to have lost 90% of its most recent 10 matchups with its instate rival. But everybody gets one freebie. I'll see you tomorrow for the annual Thankgiving Edition of Cocktail Thursday. Until then . . .


Go 'Dawgs!!!