Let's get one thing straight: I hate Florida. It's not just a simple dislike, a harmonious discord, or even a deep, latent enmity. I hate Florida with the fire of a thousand suns being stoked by the fire of an additional thousand suns. In a world where my choices were to cheer for Florida or go blind, I'd start learning Braille. Most of the time, however, I am (relatively) civil while expressing this intense Gator hatred.
For one week a year, though, I allow my hate to come out of the closet and be displayed in its raw, naked form. This is that week.
Some people are engaging in statistical analysis of the matchup (or even sketchy statistical analysis with an agenda... which surely has never been done before). Some people are simply trying to ignore the buildup, so as to not lose productivity at work. Balderdash, I say. I'm giving in and embracing my irrational, uncompromising hatred of everything that is the Florida Gators.
Tonight, I present reasons number 20-16 for why I hate the Florida Gators, and you should, too.
Gator Hater Reason #20: Because gator tails are right tasty.
For those of you who have never dined upon the empennage of an alligator that has been sliced, breaded, and lightly-fried to golden perfection, you really should try it. Besides meeting the definition of "feasting on the flesh of the enemy" during hate week, it's actually a tasty little treat. Unlike what some people might tell you, it does not "taste like chicken." It is lean, and actually has a certain firmness to it that can easily be overcooked into a rubbery mess, so try to find a place that is known for having good gator tail... you won't regret it. (Suggestions welcome in the comments section!)
Now that's what I call a fine Hate Week appetizer!
Unfortunately, the only way to get your hands on the gator's tail is, of course, to dispatch your local gator posthaste. We'll be getting right on that this Saturday.
Gator Hater Reason #19: Because Gator tears are even tastier than gator tails.
I don't believe this needs additional explanation. I'm going to talk about it anyway, though (of course).
This "Gator tail" is the main course.
There is no feeling in the world like the feeling when you're in the stands and your team is leading the Florida Gators in the 4th quarter and the clock reads 0:00. The wailing and gnashing of teeth of the 0.01% of Florida fans that stick around to the end is especially sweet. (As is the unrepeatable blogging and defaming of Wilford Brimley's name that results.) Call it shadenfreude, call it shadenflorida... I don't care what you call it, I just love tasting it.
And that is a crocodile on your head, not a gator!
Gator Hater Reason #18: Urban Meyer is a jerk.
Urban Meyer is the ultimate personification of the proverbial "win at any cost" coach. I discussed yesterday how he haphazardly treats disciplinary issues; I truly would not be surprised if he announced one day that he was going to suspend his star offensive player for two games, but that it would be served in reality by him being suspended for half the game for four straight games. Then, we would find out that the "half a game" the player was suspended for was all the defensive plays.
Meyer's priorities in life are so out of whack as to almost be pitiable. When Meyer had a health scare last year and briefly announced his retirement, his younger daughter seemed to be overjoyed at "getting her daddy back." Maybe Urban just has some commitment issues or something, because about 10 seconds 24 hours after her statement became public, Meyer announced that he was just playing an early April fools joke on everybody, and he'd be coming back to coach the Gators after a long (short) sabbatical.
Meyer's character was on even clearer display when he confronted a reporter during spring practice (after his long (short) sabbatical) for directly quoting a player in context in a non-inflammatory way:
Ladies and Gentlemen, your head coach for the University of Florida. Need I say more?
Gator Hater Reason #17: You have to respect them even though you HATE them.
I believe I've made my feelings pretty clear vis a vis the University of Florida. There's no denying that one of the things that helps to intensify that vitriol, however, is the fact that you can't just say, "Hey Florida sucks, they're perennially overrated, and they'll never again do anything worth getting hot and bothered about." (They're not Notre Dame, after all.) As Sun Tzu says, to defeat one's enemy, one first has to truly know one's enemy.
The Florida Gators have a great and storied history since they started their football program in 1990, and in spite of the resurgence seen by their rivals in Tallahassee and Coral Gables, they are still the premier college football program in the state of Florida. They are going to get world-class athletes, and they are going to, every year, have the potential to be a conference and national championship contender. To imply or hope otherwise is foolish and delusional.
If you want to defeat the Florida Gators, you are going to have to bring your "A" game every time, and you'd better expect a 60 minute fight, where at any time, a close slobberknocker of a game can be turned into a 49-10 41-17 blowout.
You hate them, but you have to respect them. Which makes you hate them even more.
Gator Hater Reason #16: They're wearing an(other) alternate uniform on Saturday.
This site's disdain for the alternate uniform trend (which I refer to as "the Oregon-ization of football") has been well-documented. When wearing alternate uni's in the Mark Richt era, Georgia is now 2-2... but the 2 losses were really, really WTF-level losses.
Florida, on the other head, has had some success with alternate uniforms. The first one I remember was the "multicolored torso" uniform that was worn to the OMG IT BURNS 2008 cocktail party, and that seemed to work out well for them.
Check out the name of this image. Yeah, that's about right.
Most recently, they've taken to wearing the white helmet with either a block or italicized "F" on it, which I have to admit I like more than their current Sunkist helmet.
They've also had more mixed results with this style, and you can't complain about that.
This Saturday, the Saurians will be donning their official new Nike Pro Combat 2010 uniforms. (As you might recall, the Nike Pro Combat craze gave us the "Tron Bowl" between the Virginia Tech Microchips and the Boise State Neon Blues in the first week of the season.) Florida's Pro Combat uniforms will still have the Sunkist helmets, but they will have a new "scaly" look added.
Yeah, that sounds about right to me, too. You can see a full-screen pic here.
So, they're tasty, twice, have a world-class jerk for a coach, you have to respect them, and they're wearing another butt-ugly uniform that we'll have to endure as they whip us again we whip them 75-0? I'm sold.
Tomorrow... 5 more reasons why I hate Florida, and you should, too!
