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Ten Things Auburn Fans Should Do Before They Die

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If ever a book title cried out for a snarky response, this is the one.

Senator Blutarsky (July 30, 2009)

Well, O.K., then, since you asked for it and all . . .

The Top Ten Things Auburn Fans Should Do Before They Die:

10. Buy the Plainsmen’s former head coach a new pair of pants to replace the ones he lost.

9. Proudly announce to three strangers that Auburn University is the institution at which the toothbrush was invented, and, if anyone doubts the veracity of that story, patiently explain that this fact is known because, had it been invented anyplace else, it’d have been called the teethbrush.

8. Try going 24 hours without thinking about the Crimson Tide. Yes, in a row.

7. Deal with the fact that Bo Jackson was the second-best SEC running back of the 1980s to wear the number 34.

6. Teach these guys how to spell the name of the college whose name appears on their sociology degrees:

5. Quit griping about 2004 and admit what a relief it was not to have to watch the Tigers get rolled by Southern California in the Orange Bowl.

4. Stop conforming to stereotypes in comment threads.

3. Have someone with math skills explain why it makes no sense to run off a head coach with a career record of 110-60 in order to hire a successor with a career record of 5-19.

2. Maybe cool it with all the cheating just a little bit.

1. Don’t leave comments after this posting attempting to correct my spelling. Last time: D-I-E is what people do at the end of their lives; D-Y-E is a cheating former Auburn coach . . . you know, the one who landed Auburn on probation and has the field named after him. No, not Shug Jordan; he’s the cheating former coach who landed Auburn on probation and has the stadium named after him. I’m talking about the cheater who coached in the ‘90s. No, not Terry Bowden; he’s the cheating former coach who took over for the cheating former coach to whom I’m referring. Anyway, none of them have names that are synonymous with death . . . or even, inexplicably, with the death penalty (yet).

Go ‘Dawgs!