I’m still pretty bummed out over my sheer stupidity in forgetting to call in to John Frary’s radio show, and I am told that this season has done bad things to my usual decorum and sense of humor, and the weather is cold and wet and dreary, and, man, I’m glad we have an open date, but I don’t even have the energy to make this week’s SEC Power Poll as humorously dark and dour as the SEC Power Poll last year that followed the bloodletting from which both the Georgia Bulldogs and I have yet to recover, so here, without much fanfare, insight, or entertainment value, is how the SEC breaks down this week, at least from my vantage point as a college football blogger who is just counting down the days until women’s gymnastics season:
1. Alabama Crimson Tide (7-0): If you doubt that ‘Bama is No. 1, you’re either a shameless Gator homer or you need to flip the calendar page over from August.
2. Florida Gators (6-0): The Sunshine State Saurians have futzed and fiddled their way to 6-0 in increasingly unimpressive fashion, to the point where it really is time for us all to admit that it isn’t that Florida is that good, it’s that the rest of the SEC East is that bad.
3. LSU Tigers (5-1): Not playing last Saturday cemented the Bayou Bengals claim to being the third-best team in the league. That ought to tell you something about how weak the SEC is this season.
4. South Carolina Gamecocks (5-2): The Palmetto State Poultry demonstrated decisively their rightful status in the top third of the league in a loss. That ought to tell you everything about how weak the SEC is this season.
5. Auburn Tigers (5-2): The Plainsmen may very well be the weakest 5-2 team in the country, unless you count Boston College.
6. Mississippi Rebels (4-2): Ole Miss may very well be the weakest 4-2 team in the country, unless you count Missouri.
7. Arkansas Razorbacks (3-3): The Hogs are starting to hit on all cylinders, assuming, of course, that pigs have cylinders. All right, that was some atrocious word choice right there. That was like a Mitch Hedberg joke that just never came together.
8. Kentucky Wildcats (3-3): On the plus side, I’m now marginally less worried about the Auburn game. On the other hand, I’m now considerably more worried about the Kentucky game. Ah, who am I kidding? I’m always disproportionately worried about Auburn. (I hate Auburn.) My worrying about Auburn has not decreased in the slightest, but my worrying about Kentucky has gone through the roof. Dang it, we’re going 5-7, aren’t we?
9. Tennessee Volunteers (3-3): This past weekend, Monte Kiffin’s defense not only pitched a shutout, it didn’t give up so much as a single yard of total offense! Lane Kiffin is more awesome than all five Backstreet Boys combined. He’s like Kung Fu Panda trapped in Daniel Tosh’s body. (Kudos to ausdawg85 for noting the resemblance.)
10. Georgia Bulldogs (4-3): Beating a team that sucks worse than you do doesn’t make your team suck less. It just means that the other team sucks more.
11. Mississippi St. Bulldogs (3-4): I feel badly about placing MSU this far down, because Dan Mullen rather clearly has put together the best 3-4 team in America. The reclamation project in Starkville was a huge undertaking, but Coach Mullen has made this a much better football team. Just as I am not altogether convinced that Arkansas shouldn’t be ranked higher than Ole Miss, I’m not entirely persuaded that Mississippi State fields the second-best Bulldog squad in the Southeastern Conference.
12. Vanderbilt Commodores (2-5): How bad is Vandy? They just lost to Georgia.
Read it and weep, SEC fans. Now I’m signing off for the night. Say, there’s no chance of bloggers getting furloughed with orders not to answer comments and e-mails, is there? ‘Cause, right now, that would sound like a pretty sweet deal. . . .