Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest website of all time that isn't written by Matt Hinton and doesn't include a link to Knowshon Moreno's permanent record:
Where to begin, where to begin . . .
- Anybody who has his own website/fansite before he's even played a single college snap has a 73% chance of referring to himself in the third person non-ironically in everyday conversation.
- I'm pretty sure that the snazzy website is the reason that Steve Spurrier is considering bringing Garcia back to practice before the August 15th date originally specified by the University (not Spurrier, the University). It couldn't possibly be the fact that, for a guy who's supposed to be a QB guru, Spurrier's options at the position are, as the kids like to say, teh suxxors.
- If you want to buy your own Stephen Garcia jersey, you can go to the Stephen Garcia Jersey link. But be warned "As of now, we currently do not have Stephen Garcia jersey or even Stephen Garcia highschool jersey, there are not so many Stephen Garcia jersey that is available for now. We will show you the Stephen Garcia jersey when it comes out. If your looking to buy Authentic Stephen Garcia jersey, you ca try Ebay, Amazon, and even Beckett.com. Your best bet is to go to your local card shop, that way you can see the Stephen Garcia jersey up close and look for any problems." Apparently stephengarcia.org is where proofreaders go to die. Kind of like the University of South Carolina for Hall of Fame coaches.
- Want to know what Stephen Garcia thinks about the Pelopponesian War? The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act? Tomatillos? Too bad, Sparky. The Stephen Garcia quotes section includes one quote, and one quote only: It's hard work right now, but it will be worth it. I couldn't stand our old field. It had so many holes, it was a lot hotter and no water around. This field is a lot better.” I have no idea what the hell that means. But I'm sure it's profound in a way I have yet to fully comprehend.
- And without a doubt, my favorite, the Stephen Garcia Statistics section: "Welcome to Stephen Garcia statistics page. You will see here Stephen Garcia career stats. We will be updating Stephen Garcia stats page when Stephen Garcia statistics are available." Or, in LOLCATZ: "We can has statz when Garcia stopz waisting hiz talent and aktully play 1 soliterie down of footbowl. KTHXBYE!!"
Now, I understand that Knowshon Moreno also has his own fan site, as do a lot of other players. But none of them sucks quite like stephengarcia.com. I can only hope that coreyjenkins.edu, aryhelfreeman.com, syvellenewton.tv, bennettswygert.com, antonioheffner.uk, and mikerathe.edu will be this unabashedly awesome as well. In short, stephengarcia.org sucks the type of merely mediocre suckage you've come to depend on from University of South Carolina football. Check it out!