You know it, I know it, and the American people know it: S.E.C. Media Days begin today.
Today’s slate features Florida’s Urban Meyer, Mississippi State’s Sylvester Croom, Louisiana State’s Les Miles, and Vanderbilt’s Bobby Johnson.
Unlike C&F, I won’t be present for S.E.C. Media Days, but, if I were, here are the questions I would put to each of the conference’s head coaches:
Rich Brooks: "Could you show us the cinder block in the wall of your
cell office on which you are scratching the hash marks as you count down the days until retirement?"
Sylvester Croom: "Will you accept the Alabama job if it is offered to you when Nick Saban bolts for the N.F.L. after the 2010 season? If so, will you continue to give out an award named after yourself?"
Phillip Fulmer: "Last season, you finished in a first-place tie with Georgia atop the East and received the right to represent the division in the S.E.C. championship game due to the head-to-head tiebreaker. Do you agree that the head-to-head result should be the first tiebreaker or should the title game berth be decided by a hot dog-eating contest between the head coaches of the schools involved in the first-place deadlock?"
Bobby Johnson: "When your alma mater, Clemson, fails to win the A.C.C. championship for the 17th consecutive season this year, do you think you should be hired to replace Tommy Bowden right away, or do you think he should be given yet another year of maddening mediocrity only slightly ameliorated by a job-saving late-season victory over a longstanding rival before you finally are hired next year?"
Urban Meyer: "Is Tim Tebow really the College Quarterback of the Future or is he merely the Alex Smith of the 2009 N.F.L. Draft?"
Les Miles: "You know that guy who stands way back behind the line and gets the ball hiked to him and kicks it up in the air who isn’t trying to make a field goal? Any idea who that guy is or why he’s there?"
Houston Nutt: "Assuming for the sake of argument that you will be cast in the role of the Joker in the sequel to ‘The Dark Knight,’ would you decline an Oscar nomination out of principle or would you follow in Henry Fonda’s footsteps by accepting an Academy Award nomination for a role in which you essentially played yourself?"
Bobby Petrino: "Hypothetically, imagine that you are the father of an impressionable yet talented 17-year-old son who has scholarship offers from several S.E.C. schools. You are sitting in your living room with your son listening to a recruiting pitch from Bobby Petrino. Knowing what you know about Bobby Petrino, would you believe a word he said? Before you answer, please make sure the polygraph leads are securely attached."
Nick Saban: "Are you pure evil, kind of evil, maybe not up to anything verifiably evil but still someone who looks bad for doing things that otherwise wouldn’t be suspicious except for the fact that you did them, or just a guy who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when Michigan fans started trying to deflect attention from the fact that Bo Schembechler stole that whole ‘those who stay will be champions’ line from Bear Bryant?"
Steve Spurrier: "Which do you consider a more worrisome sign of your declining stature, the fact that you are no longer among the league’s most noteworthy offensive masterminds or the fact that you have ceased to be the most obnoxious S.O.B. in the S.E.C.?"
Tommy Tuberville: "Which would you say was the more important thing you learned from Jimmy Johnson during your days as a defensive coach at the University of Miami, the benefits of utter laxity in setting academic and behavioral standards for athletes or hair care tips?"
And saving the best for last . . .
Mark Richt: "How can I be The Man when you are The Man?"
If you’re like me and you’re going to work this week instead of heading over to the greater metropolitan Birmingham area, what questions would you ask the coaches if you could?