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I'll Have a Miller Lite and an Order of Chizik Sticks . . .

While working on a piece regarding ticket prices/demand across the country, I came across this article from the Iowa State Athletic Department website on the hot new ticket promotion Iowa State is running.***

Praise be to Google, which leadeth us to fields of snarky fun as wide as the Great Plains. Without the world's favorite search engine, I would never have known that $99 will buy Cyclone fans tickets to the Nebraska game, along with two other contests (including your choice of either Missouri or Texas A&M), and a $20 gift certificate to Applebee's. That's right. Riblets and Big 12 football! A match made in heaven.

Now, I understand that Iowa has recently been beset by more tribulation of the natural variety than any one state deserves. Especially a state with its own brand of vodka. And I understand that ISU officials are pitching this as a way to help cash-strapped, flooded-out  Iowans see some Cyclone football. It's a sterling gesture in this respect.

But honestly, can you imagine Alabama or Clemson or, heck, even Mississippi State doing this? Of course not, because south of the Mason-Dixon we may like us some Brewtus Steak Burgers (the Weight Watchers' menu, not so much), but we love college football. And unless the Army of the People's Republic of China lands at Hilton Head Island, many of us will still be willing to pay out the nose for college football tickets.

Which got me thinking: What cross-promotions would work to put fannies in the seats here in SEC country? After giving it some thought, here are a few suggestions:

  • Purchase tickets to any three Georgia Tech home games, get 50% off on Tuesdays at Wally's Wide World of Star Wars Costumes (excluding Princess Leia metal bikinis, you filthy rapscallions).
  • Purchase tickets to any South Carolina home game, get 3 minutes on the field to convince Steve Spurrier that you can beat out Tommy Beecher for the quarterback job. After all, somebody's just gotta do it eventually. Might as well be you.
  • Purchase Mississippi State season tickets and receive 10 minutes alone in a 12 x 12 concrete room with Sly Croom, a black bear and a bowie knife. It's Schrodinger's cat, Starkville style. Which is to say, bloody and slathered in barbeque sauce.
  • Purchase Duke season ticket packages. . .  . . .No, that's the punchline. There's really nothing more humorously absurd than being a Duke football season ticket holder.

In the words of Austin Powers, yeah capitalism!!! Obviously, these really only scratch the surface. Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments.


***Apparently the gang at Black Heart Gold Pants got to this one before me. As you can imagine, the result is hysterical.