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Answering EDSBS Live's Southeastern Conference Questions

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Every now and again, a day gets away from me. Actually, that happens pretty regularly, but, in any case, Tuesday evening was one of those times when I looked up at the clock, saw how late it was, and realized, "Shoot . . . I missed EDSBS Live!"

It was a pity, too; even though I have the luxury of downloading the rebroadcast by clicking here, I would have liked to have called in to answer the redneck S.E.C. edition of four questions. These are they, as rendered by Peter Bean:

1. Tell us your favrite SEC what like a eccentricity. How about the fact that they never leave? And I'm not talking about the games... I mean: they don't leave. As far as I can tell, The Mayor is living in the infirmary where he was born.

2. Which fans really are country boys what can survive? Meaning: which fans actually could, given a large nucular explosion (Our prezdint, god bless him, cain’t say it wrong. LIBRULZ!!!) type event, would survive like Hank says they would. My bet is on Auburn fans. They're surviving in Auburn. They'll survive anywhere, anything.

3. The cream, please. Which team is the finest in all the land? Like, you know, the Gretchen Wilson of football teams for 2008? I know, say whatcha want, but I’ll take an asskicker like her over some Faith Hill type anytime, because when you fall asleep with a cigarette in bed and burn down everything you own, she’ll understand. Cause she done it, too.

4. What are you doin’ to protect and defend the homeland? Personally, I'm accessorizing, like any good Patriot would.

Yes, by "The Mayor," he means me, but that is a bit of an exaggeration. In fact, if I were to drive you around and show you all the places I have ever lived, it would take pretty much an entire afternoon to make the complete circuit. I’ll have you know that, in my day, I have called home a diverse range of area codes ranging from the 404 to the 770 to the 706 to the 678, my friend!

Representin’ for the Piedmont!

In any event, here are my (belated) answers to Orson’s and Peter’s (grammatically corrected) inquiries:

1. Tell us your favorite S.E.C. eccentricity. That’s easy:

. . . . .

What, you didn’t catch that the first time?

That’s S.E.C. speed, baby.

We have two eccentricities, really: (1) thinking we’re better than everybody else and (2) blinding Ohio State with buttocks in the national championship game.

2. Which fans really are country boys who can survive? I’m tempted to go with the Tennessee faithful, what with their already being prepared to wear that ubiquitous orange from the county jail to the deer stand to Neyland Stadium and all, but I saw "Southern Comfort," so I know how tough those L.S.U. fans are.

3. The cream, please. "Which team is the finest in all the land?" I believe I have been quite clear upon this point . . . two or three times, in fact.

4. What are you doing to protect and defend the homeland? Two words:

The beard.

Those are the answers, as they appear from my neck of the woods. Your affirmations and rebuttals are welcome in the comments below.

Go ‘Dawgs!