If you want to play football at LSU, you're gonna have to tell Les Miles a little bit about yourself, young man. Like whether you know anyone who lives near Bation Rouge. And your father's work phone number. And where your high school coach went to college. And whether you prefer Rick Reilly or Orson Swindle.
OK, I'm lying about that last part. You caught me. But the other three questions, along with a gajillion more, can be found on the LSU Athletic Department's football recruiting questionnaire . My favorite question: Are you interested in LSU? Your choices are: a) "Yes", b) "Yes, very much" and c) "might be". Why d) "Does a coondog geaux in da woods?" was not included for the invariably sarcastic offensive linemen, I'll never understand.
We're not inciting you to fraud, mischief or other misdemeanoring, gentle readers. Please understand that right now. We've had enough legal shenanigans this week for one blogging lifetime. But if by happenstance some poor, overworked LSU graduate assistant were to call your house looking for game film on Ben Dover and Pat McKrotch, the twin 6'5 315 pound defensive linemen from Slidell who run matching 4.6 forties and have a combined 68" vertical jump, you should really record that and email it to your friends.
Be forewarned however that if you list your church affiliation as "The Everlasting Church of Sabantology" or answer the question "Who is the most influental person in your life?" with "Coach Gerry DiNardo", Senor Lesticles will not be ringing your casa, budding Tiger.
Granted, this sort of thing is not new in recruiting circles or unique to the Louisiana State University. Almost every major college football program has a similar link on its website, even if you do have to look for it sometimes. But it is instructive to remember that college coaches are reading these little gists on high school football players, sometimes hundreds of them, and commiting them to memory. It is a tough business, after all. That's why Mark Richt not only knows that highly-rated Florida corner Brandon McGhee is current 'Dawg Bryan Evans' cousin, he also just happens to remember that Jimmy Clausen's favorite flavor of ice cream is tutti-fruity. Because there are some things you just can't unsee , try as you might.
You also have to admit that Les Miles is one of only a handfull of college coaches who you could legitimately imagine sitting in his office at 3 a.m., buzzed on frozen corndogs and black coffee, hitting the refresh button on his email over and over and over again waiting for these things to come in.
And while most of the questions on this form are pretty standard fare, you have to wonder why more schools don't include university-specific questions. For example:
You would think that Georgia Tech's would ask "You are a level 14 Elfin Lord wielding a Gardinian Death Axe. You're confronted by a level 19 Viking Ent with high kill power. What is your play?"
Or that Auburn would ask you simply "a) International, or b) John Deere?". (Let's face it, most Auburn entrants haven't gotten to "c", "d" or "e" yet, and there's no need scaring them off.
Or that Appalachian State would inquire: "What is your favorite trippy hippy jam band, and why?"
Or that Coach Urban Meyer would ask "Are you a flanker, split end, slot receiver or tailback? Please, sweet Mary running a crossing route, tell me you're a tailback!!! Not named Kestahn Moore!!!"
See?The possibilities for getting to know prospective student athletes really are endless. If you have suggestions for Coach Miles or any other coaches, feel free to leave them in the comments. Until later . . .