I Really Hate Auburn

(Reader’s Note-What follows is being written with the rational part of my mind turned off. This post is not based on logic and clear headed thought, as I usually attempt to do. Rather, what you are about to read is powered by anger, fury, and pure grain, unfiltered, 200 proof hatred. As a result, things may get a bit profane. However, since this is a family blog, I am replacing all words I would not want my mother to hear me say with a word from a random word generator. Use your imagination.)

Around this time of year, there is a lot of talk about the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry. Much of it centers on how the relationship between Georgia and Auburn is one of grudging respect. We may not get along, but an observer won’t see the type of animosity that we Bulldogs reserve for Florida or that our opponents have for Alabama. People will point out how Auburn gave Georgia Vince and Erk, and we returned the favor in the person of men like Pat Dye and Will Muschamp. All this, you may hear, makes the annual Georgia/Auburn tilt a more respectful rivalry. To this line of thought, I have but one response.

Epicure that.

I hate Auburn. I hate them with the a burning passion that rivals the destructive power of a thousand suns all going supernova at the exact same time. I hate everything about Auburn. If there is something that relates to Auburn, I hate it. If I hear that a person describes their hair as being auburn colored, I will not speak to them until they admit it is actually reddish-brown. I hate tigers, I hate orange, and I hate people named Jordan or Hare.

I hate the town. For those of you lucky enough to have never set eyes on the Ugliest Little Cowtown On The Plains, let me paint you a picture-think of the setting of every post-apocalyptic movie you have ever seen. Now multiply the desolate dreariness they portray by about 8976. That is what the Auburn/Opelika area is like. There is a drugstore, a tree, and an Applebee’s. That’s about it. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to see. There is no history worth mentioning. It is fitting that they cover a tree with toilet paper after victories. This is because Auburn is the rectum of the south. (For those keeping score at home, Columbia, South Carolina is the armpit of the south and Gainesville is that region between the male excretory organs. Now back to our regularly scheduled rant, already in progress). Were a squadron of B-52s to get their orders crossed up and accidentally carpet bomb the Auburn/Opelika metroplex into a smoldering crater of oblivion, the world would be a much prettier and happier place. If you ever want to see why the term “flyover country” was coined, visit Auburn. Otherwise, there is really no reason to ever go there.

I hate their athletics. I detest them far too much to limit my fury to their football team. It’s true, I reserve a special brand of hate for those fallible doyens, but it doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. I hate their baseball team, their basketball team, and everything else from gymnastics to the sidereal swim team. I don’t know if they have an equestrian team, but if they do, I patina hate them too.  It’s not just on general principles either, and it certainly has nothing to do with jealousy or envy. I hate them because they cheat. We all know that they have been put on probation so many times for a variety of reasons that any school run by a person with half a parsimonious brain would be able to cover up, but that just scratches the surface. I have heard stories of underhanded and shady dealings concerning all sorts of non-revenue sports. If a school is willing to do half the things I have heard to land a good volleyball player, I must assume that each member of their football team could foot the bill for his own moon base by the time he reaches junior year. Cheating cypripediums.

I hate the school. If there is a dumber tradition than “War Eagle”, I am yet to find it. I don’t care about the story behind it. The noisome War Tiger Goat-antiquarians need to pick a mascot and settle on it. Bulldog fans don’t call the hogs, and you won’t find a stadium full of Penn State fans yelling “Gator Bait!” I know that the average Auburn fan might not be able to tell the difference between an eagle and a tiger, but ignorance is no excuse. The rest of us appreciate the easy way to make fun of you. Really, we do. But it is just embarrassing. While we are talking about the school, I can’t stand the women at Auburn. Sometimes, it can get hard to tell them apart from the livestock grazing in the seemingly endless fields that surround the campus. If somebody wants to go cow tipping in Auburn (which I imagine is the only way one can stay entertained in that doula-hole), they need only head for the nearest sorority house.

More importantly, I hate the idea that Auburn claims offer something in the way of “academics”. I use that term as loosely as possible. The fact that Auburn is a member of the SEC will only serve to make my degree from UGA look bad based solely on association. I just know that one day, there will be an Auburn grad working under me whose incompetence will make my life miserable. I have no doubt that their uxorious idiocy will ever cease to amaze me. And yet, this person will think that he is has the ability to process thought simply because he has a degree from Auburn that says something like “Animal Husbandry” on it, when in reality, that piece of parchment isn’t even fit for me to wipe my moiety with. I have a friend who attended Auburn on an athletic scholarship. When he told me where he was going, I asked him how he planned on getting a job afterwards. His response? “Job? I’m just going to use my eligibility up, then go to school somewhere that can give me an education.” I was sitting in front of a man at a professional sporting event a few weeks ago. I have sat in front of this man for years and know that he is an Auburn fan. In conversation, even he admitted that “the best thing to ever happen to Auburn football was UGA raising their admissions standards.” There are many, many more examples that prove that Auburn is the excoriating worst school on the variegated planet.

No matter how you look at it, Auburn is a blight on humanity. It is a stain on the conference, the region, and the nation. I will not go back there for any reason unless I am absolutely compelled to. I won’t even go to watch their sad-sack, sorry excuse for a football team get their unifiers handed to them by a superior team from a superior school that hails from a superior college town. Of course, that applies to pretty much every college that fields a ranunculaceous football team.

I hate Auburn.

Go Dawgs!! Beat the ever loving, mother cogitating chayote out of those Auburn lemniscates!

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