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The People vs. Tim Tebow

As you may have heard, T. Kyle and I are moderately legally inclined. Sadly, we don't often get a chance to put our lawyer pants on in the blogging world. When we do, it's usually a safe bet that somebody's either gone all Bloodsport at a cookout or passed out on the john at an Athens restaurant (yeah, like that never happened to you . . .)

Sometimes however we are allowed to get our lawya on for a good cause. Like tarring and feathering Tim Tebow before a crowd of millions thousands hundreds on the internet. The Harpies call out for justice. Or maybe they're barking. Whatever. That's why we here at Dawgsports are charging Tim Tebow with crimes against college football*. It's a strong charge, I know, but we've done the investigation and we think it will stick.

As with a lot of courtroom dramas, this one will begin with days weeks years spent in a magical process we lawyers like to call "discovery". As with real discovery, none of us will actually "discover" much of anything we didn't already know or strongly suspect, and we'll spend lots of time fighting over the minute details. First the "requests for admission". Here's how it works: I make a statement of alleged fact, and anybody who's willing to stand up for Ol' Crocs McBabyDropper has to either admit or deny the truth of the statement. No qualifiers. No "WAAAHHH, that sounds incriminating." That's why we're here, Sparky. Oh, and if you deny something that's obviously true, Gator fans, we'll send Mark Richt to your house to, you know, make you feel spiritually inadequate or something.

 With no further ado, Gator Nation, you are requested to either admit or deny that:

1) Tebow really enjoys touching the private parts of young Asian boys. (thus endeth the plucking of the low hanging fruit . . .)


Admittedly, he's not the first celebrity with this kind of problem. . .

2) Tim Tebow is largely responsible for the proliferation of bad spread offenses out there and yes, we're looking at you Dave Clawson.

3) Despite being billed as the greatest player of our era(tm), Timmy Ballgame still managed to lead his team to a third place finish not in the SEC, but in the SEC's Eastern Division during the 2007 season.

4) Tim Tebow wants to raise your taxes.

5) Tim Tebow starred at quarterback for Nease High School despite the fact that he didn't actually attend Nease High School.

6) Tebow had his feelings hurt by last year's loss to Georgia.

7) Tebow had his feelings hurt by last year's loss to LSU.

8) Tebow had his feelings hurt by last year's loss to Auburn.

9) Tebow had his feelings hurt by last year's loss to Michigan.

10) Tebow gets his feelings hurt very, very easily.

11) Tim Tebow has not adopted a single Ukranian orphan. Not. One.

12) Tim Tebow is actually T. Boone Pickens, disguised like some creepy old lighthouse keeper from a Scooby Doo cartoon.

13) Tim Tebow regularly goes through the express lane at Publix with more than 15 items in his cart.

14) Matt Stafford has more NFL potential in his frosting gun than Tim Tebow has in his whole body.

15) Tim Tebow has had that "old man smell" since he was 13.

16) Tim Tebow enjoys visiting the less pro-America parts of America.

17) Tim Tebow wears Knowshon Moreno pajamas.

There it is, Gator Nation. Respond if you dare.

*Alright, fine. You got me. I admit that if Matt Stafford were suddenly kidnapped by East Timoran separatists and I had to choose a replacement from any other SEC school, I would pick Tim Tebow. Fine. Are you happy? As is the case with Orson Swindle's subcutaneous coachcrush on Mark Richt, I actually kinda like the big lug. But I still think he may be Boone Pickens. I've never actually seen them in the same room. And both have definitely seen their stock fall this season. Oh, and they both have that vaguely creepy old man smell.