Everyone in the free world is aware by now that Michael Adams made quite a splash by declaring his support for a college football playoff. As always, I am 100 per cent against a college football playoff in Division I-A, but it appears that Dr. Adams is not alone in his desire to see changes made to the sport.
Dawg Sports was able to sneak a secret correspondent into the recent N.C.A.A. convention in Nashville, and he has reported back on some of the super-secret suggestions made privately by prominent power brokers to improve the game:
Retired Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr: Don't allow Division I-A teams to play Division I-AA teams in their season openers, 'cause, really, that's beneath a major college football program. They're just paycheck games against patsies, anyway. Why even bother playing the games when we all know the top-tier team is going to win in a walk? Those games shouldn't even count toward a team's won-lost record, in my opinion.
Georgia head coach Mark Richt: I agree with Lloyd, but I don't think his idea goes far enough. I wouldn't allow Division I-A teams to play Division I-AA teams in their season openers or in the Sugar Bowl.
Texas head coach Mack Brown: Whenever a school in Alabama is looking to hire a new assistant coach, I should be allowed to sit in on the interviews. You know, just to see if I like the guy. I mean, it'll save time whenever I have a staff opening a year or two down the road, right?
Southern California head coach Pete Carroll: Declare Los Angeles off-limits to N.C.A.A. investigators. I mean, they're all East Coast guys, right? Let 'em stay back on the East Coast where they belong. We don't need 'em snooping around out here. . . . What's that? U.C.L.A. just hired Neuheisel? O.K., forget I said that. We need more N.C.A.A. investigators poking around Los Angeles!
Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden: Make that dadgum Joe Paterno quit coaching!
Florida State offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher: Make that dadgum Bobby Bowden quit coaching!
Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez: Allow outgoing coaches to shred all the confidential documents they like, as long as the school they're leaving is the flagship university of a state with a literacy rate so low that the statistical probability of an athletic department employee actually being able to read is infinitesimal. You hear that, West Virginia? I just used the word "infinitesimal"! Don't even bother acting like you know what it means, 'cause everybody knows you totally just looked it up after you heard me say it.
Former Auburn head coach Terry Bowden: Let me back into coaching! Please!
Penn State head coach Joe Paterno: Let me back into coaching! Please! Huh? What do you mean I'm still coaching? Really? Well, I'll be darned. . . .
Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel: Eliminate the last 55 minutes of the national championship game. Do we really need to play 60 full minutes? Let's just play the first five minutes and call it a night. Give both teams maybe one or two offensive series apiece---certainly no more than that---and let that be that. Really, it'd be fine with me if you settled the whole thing with the opening kickoff every other year. It's just reasonable extrapolation, really. Whichever team wins the first five minutes ought to get credit for winning the whole game. I say let's play it that way, and let the chips fall where they may.
Louisiana State head coach Les Miles: Stop making me watch all that boring game film and let me watch a D.V.D. box set of "Elmo's World" instead.
Alabama head coach Nick Saban declined to respond, citing a lack of time for this stuff.