Albeit belatedly, I have provided you with my weekly forecasts of contests played around the S.E.C. and those games of national interest.
This brings me to the weekly declaration of the national game of disinterest.
Oscar Wilde demonstrates just how completely he couldn't care less about the national game of disinterest.
As you are aware, the national game of disinterest is that contest toward which I cannot even pretend that I am not utterly indifferent, so inconsequential is the outcome and so improbable is it that any result could possibly have even the slightest impact upon anything I consider important. The national game of disinterest is, in sum, the proverbial game played in a forest with no one present to hear it that does not make a sound.
This week's national game of disinterest is . . .
Charleston Southern at Hawaii
I mean, come on, people! Paul Westerdawg already told us how pathetic an opponent Chuck Southern is. Now, despite Colt Brennan's ankle injury and 15-yard penalties for unsportsmanlike Polynesian war dances, the colossally overrated Warriors will take on their second Division I-AA opponent in the season's first four weeks.
No, I don't want to hear about what a tough time Hawaii had filling out its slate. When Georgia encountered the same problem, Damon Evans called up the Worldwide Leader and used ESPN to broker a deal for a nationally-televised game with Oklahoma State. With all the love June Jones and crew are getting from Bristol, you're telling me a little bit of advance planning wouldn't have enabled Hawaii to have arranged something similar?
On November 23, 1968, the Houston Cougars beat the Tulsa Golden Hurricane by a final margin of 100-6. It marked the last time that a Division I-A team hung a hundred on an opponent. The only possible interest this shameful mismatch could hold is if the Warriors break triple digits on the scoreboard.
Otherwise, this outing will be embarrassing for both teams . . . for Chuck Southern because of its poor program and for Hawaii because of its atrociously weak schedule. I'm not picking the winner of this game for the same reason I didn't pick the winner of the Grenada invasion. Who didn't know which side was going to win?
Pick on someone your own size, Warriors. Until you do, don't come crying to me when your undefeated record earns you home field advantage for the bowl game.
Go 'Dawgs!