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SEC Media Days 2007: The 8 Questions That Should (But Won't) Be Asked.

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Can you hear it? No, not Steve Spurrier click-clacking his way through another cheesy Under Armour commercial. It's football. It's coming, and we're all getting juiced up in our own ways. Kyle is once again making friends and influencing people. Orson is getting jazzed about Matt Stafford's undeniable machismo. And The Valley Shook reports that Les Miles won't have Alley Broussard to kick around any more.

As you probably know by now, SEC Media Days began this morning, with a slew of reporters dutifully asking the usual questions (and a few offbeat ones) and coaches like Les Miles and Nick Saban dutifully answering said questions while silently counting down the minutes, and hoping that none of the players they brought with them says anything really stupid. I've noted in the past that there's only so much you can learn from this shindig. The Dawgs don't take the stage until Friday, and I don't really care what Tommy Tuberville has to say (unless Ears LaLush wants to comment on Pete Holiday's assertion that he is at the helm of the 8th dirtiest football program of the modern era).

While I would love to head over for the fun, those pesky job responsibilities are interfering once again. So if you happen to make it over, allow me to suggest the following questions which are bound to get an interesting response from the assembled coaches.

For Tommy Tuberville: Coach, is there any truth to the rumor that Auburn boosters were providing Kenny Irons with midgets under the table (no pun intended) while he was matriculating at Auburn?

For Urban Meyer: Speaking of midgets Coach, is it true that Brandon James travels in the overhead storage compartment on the team charter?

For Houston Nutt: Senor, if you could only punch one of the following in the, well, Nutts, which would it be and why? a) Frank Broyles, b) Gus Malzahn, c) Beck Campbell

For Steve Spurrier: How does it feel to have taken Gamecock football to the dizzying heights only previously experienced by coaching luminaries like Lou "The Spitting Cobra"Holtz?

And a followup for Darth Chicken: If Bill Stanfill met you, Blake Mitchell and Stephen Garcia in a dark Columbia alley, which one would he sack first?

For Nick Saban: Coach, rumor has it that your name has been coming up quite frequently in secondary rules violations reports to the NCAA. You feel that other coaches should just talk to you about their concerns. Is that why you've been walking around all day wearing a smile and a t-shirt that says, "Let's Hug It Out, Bitch"?

For Rich Brooks: Mr. Foreman, you have a) the best quarterback in the SEC, b) an experienced defense, and c) a veteran offensive line. As the Head Football Coach at the University of Kentucky, how are you going to screw this up?

For Phil Fulmer: Is the decision to take on former Vol qb Jim Bob Cooter as a graduate assistant just a name hire?

Let me know if there are any other burning questions that need to be asked by dropping a line in the comments section.