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Help! George Mitchell Stole My Winstrol And All I Got Was This T-Shirt.

Like many of you I have an extremely busy day on tap. I mean, you take prednisone for 6 months as a teenager and the next thing you know George Mitchell shows up at your door with a subpoena and a smile. Geez.

So, before you go off to contemplate the fact that your boyhood heroes were in fact 'roid raging, HGH-inflated scofflaws playing an overcommercialized game of cricket solely for George Plimpton's enjoyment, how about some football?

From the "Why God, Why!?!" Department. If biblical patriarch Job had been cursed with the task of running a sportsblog, we would refer to him as Dave the Falconer. Dave is the patriarch of SB Nation's Atlanta Falcons blog, The Falcoholic. He hasn't jumped out a window yet, at least so far as I know. And given all the indicting, sentencing, job-jumping, and losing, losing, losing going on in Atlanta right now, that is to his credit. What's more, he has produced a series of solid posts on the Petrino situation and the inevitable search for a guy to clean up the mess on Aisle 5. His team of choice is quarterbacked by a guy who was selling insurance door-to-door a year ago . Give him a read, ya?

Cutcliffe to Duke picking up steam. According to WVLT he's headed to Durham. That popping sound you hear is the bottle of 2006 Arbor Mist Kiwi Surprise Willie Martinez has been keeping in his desk for just such an occasion. You may be asking "how could a guy who once coached Ole Miss to the Cotton Bowl be dumb or desperate enough to take the Duke job?" My response would be that he's now working for a man who is one Motor City Bowl away from unemployment, and his stint at Ole Miss taught him the poisonous nature of unreal expectations. If the Blue Devils go 4-8 next season under Archie Manning's babysitter, Coach K may even give up one of his reserved parking spaces. He's generous like that.

And we are talking about the ACC here. No team is ever more than two years away from lukewarm respectability there. Exhibit A: Al Groh. Exhibit B: Jim Grobe. All Cutcliffe needs is a) 1 system quarterback, b) 3 kids with good hands and high SAT scores, and c) an offensive line that can block for 1.4 seconds to allow a) and b) to connect. That should be good for 28 points a game, which beats Virginia, NC State and Wake at least every other year. And Georgia every time Willie Martinez is involved.

Mike Leach's master plan is taking shape. How else do you explain Texas Tech having its accreditation endangered (for failing "to show that its curriculum met college-level competencies") and Captain Kidd's ship being located in the Caribbean in the same week? Pirate U. is coming, brace yourselves.

I'm headed to South Korea to pick up a glow in the dark cat. Until later . . .

Go 'Dawgs!