From the Archives: A Tale of Two 'Cocks

In celebration of the violent, bloodthirsty, unlawful, and inhumane practice from which the University of South Carolina proudly draws its nickname, the Gamecocks are embodied on the sidelines by their costumed mascot, Plucky the Chicken. Some call him "Cocky," but I call him Plucky and I will mock and belittle Plucky specifically in my upcoming breakdown of the game.

In the meantime, though, I would direct your attention to Plucky's biography.  Yes, this costumed fictional character has his own biography. You'd include a biography of your sideline mascot, too, if the best you could say about your school was, "Three of our head coaches (Paul Deitzel, Lou Holtz, and Steve Spurrier) all had successful careers at major college programs before embarrassing themselves by coaching here."

The mascot's on-line biography includes U.S.C.'s claim that Plucky first took the field in 1980, "when he came in to take over his father (Big Spur's) place."

He's a guy in a costume. He took the place of another guy in a costume. Even if the guy in the second costume is the biological offspring of the guy in the first costume (which I seriously doubt), there is no father-son relationship between the costumes, because---try to stay with me here, Carolina fans---they're costumes.

Then again . . . wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, it all starts to make sense to me.

Plucky's father was Big Spur. The Gamecocks' new coach is Steve Spurrier.

The South Carolina athletic department refers to Plucky the Chicken as Cocky. Fans and coaches from opposing schools refer to Coach Spurrier as cocky.

Plucky, the son of Big Spur, was "born" at the start of the 1980 football season.

In 1979, Steve Spurrier served as the quarterbacks coach at Georgia Tech. In 1980, Steve Spurrier was named an assistant coach at Duke.

Georgia Tech is located in Atlanta. Duke is located in Durham, N.C.

Coach Spurrier's move from Atlanta to Durham would have taken him through the Palmetto State on the way to his new school. That move would have taken place at the end of the 1979 season . . . approximately nine months before Plucky's birth.

In light of the foregoing facts, we have to wonder whether "Big Spur" is the nickname Steve Spurrier used in South Carolina during his trek from Georgia to North Carolina. Is it possible, do you suppose, that Plucky is the product of an illicit liaison between the Evil Genius and some woman in a great big hen suit? If so, is it so far-fetched to assume that someone in Columbia, S.C., has blackmail photographs?

Honestly, can you think of a more plausible explanation for Darth Visor's decision to coach the Gamecocks?

But back to the subject of Plucky, who may or may not be the illegitimate chicken offspring of the S.E.C.'s most dastardly villain. Among Plucky's many achievements is an appearance on "The Tony Danza Show." Try to imagine how low the quality of television would have to get for you to flip through the channels and stop on the one showing Tony Danza's interview with Plucky the Chicken.

[N]ew evidence has come to light even in the last 24 hours to add further credibility to the rumor that the University of South Carolina blackmailed Steve Spurrier into becoming the Gamecocks' head coach by threatening to reveal that the Evil Genius supposedly is the father of the illegitimate chicken love child who now serves as the U.S.C. sideline mascot.

Consider this: Steve Spurrier was the head coach at Duke University from 1987 to 1989. Darth Visor led the Blue Devils to a three-year record of 20-13-1, including a conference championship in his final season in Durham. Steve Superior was twice named A.C.C. coach of the year.

Obviously, the Evil Genius was the greatest coach in Duke football history. It should be noted that, on September 2, 1989, his Blue Devils travelled to Columbia, S.C., to take on the Gamecocks.

This was a Duke team that would go on to win the A.C.C. title and earn an All-American Bowl bid . . . yet Steve Spurrier's finest Blue Devil squad lost to South Carolina, 27-21.

A Duke offense that would score 28 points against Virginia, 30 points against Georgia Tech, 35 points against Army, 35 points against N.C. State, 41 points against North Carolina, 41 points against Northwestern, 46 points against Maryland, and 52 points against Wake Forest managed merely a paltry three touchdowns against the Gamecocks, who are rumored to have known about his alleged dirty little secret of a decade before. Coincidence? You make the call.