Exclusive: Samuel L. Jackson's Lost Guest Spot On College Gameday.

David Cannon

You'd be surprised what a truly motivated cadre of college football bloggers can ferret out.

The news that ESPN's College Game Day would be visiting Athens today for the big match up with LSU brought dismay to a large segment of Bulldog Nation. This is owing of course to the fact that the Bulldogs have performed very badly in the two previous Game Day-attended college football games played in Athens. For the record, the Bulldogs are actually 0-5 in their last five games visited by Game Day. But that's about to change.

We've got a secret weapon. As you know, the Game Day crew usually have a guest picker associated with the host school to prognosticate the results of the weekend's pigskin action. For Georgia this poses a problem because we have a lot of well-known alumni and fans from whom to choose. I mean no one does pregame speeches like Coach Taylor himself, Kyle Chandler. Wayne Knight, Seinfeld's "Newman" would undoubtedly be entertaining. From the world of music celebrity Bulldog fans like Ludacris, Big Boi, and Jason Aldean would make appealing pickers. In sports there are receiver/dancer Hines Ward and tennis iron man John Isner.

We here at Dawg Sports managed to get advance word of how ESPN dealt with this conundrum. Of course you've heard by now that former Dawg and current PGA golfer Bubba Watson will be appearing on College Game Day with some homeless guy who's apparently an LSU fan later this morning. *

What you didn't know is that Herbie, Pollack and the gang filmed a prerecorded segment with perhaps the most rabid celebrity Bulldog fan: Samuel L. Motherfunkin' Jackson. Unfortunately it won't be airing, for reasons which will become obvious shortly. But only here at Dawg Sports will you find the transcript of that segment reproduced in its entirety. The language and imagery is . . .moderately disturbing. Especially for men with frosted tips who moisturize. Enjoy.

{Cameras pan out over Myers Quad, wildly cheering Bulldog fans holding signs questioning Les Miles parentage, hygiene, and genital configuration bounce up and down like Steve Spurrier after hitting a hole-in-one}

Chris Fowler: Welcome back to College GameDay here in beautiful Athens, Georgia. We're now joined by a special guest all the way from Hollywood, known for such movies as Jurassic Park, Deep Blue Sea, Snakes On A Plane, and of course Pulp Fiction, Mr. Samuel L. Jackson!

Sam L.: IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE! WHERE IS THE DUDE WHO DRESSES LIKE A VEGAS GIGOLO AND DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL?

Fowler: If you mean Jesse Palmer, he said he was going to have a spa day before tonight's games. He calls it "me time."

Sam L.: TYPICAL!

Fowler: Sam L. , before we get to the Georgia/LSU matchup I'd like to ask you about some of the other SEC games of interest. Florida for example will be trying to hold off Kentucky despite the loss of Jeff Driskel. What do you think of their chances?

Sam L.: YES THEY DESERVE TO LOSE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN GAINESVILLE!!!!

Herbie: Well alright. Sam, Mark Richt has a reputation as a coach who just can't quite get over the hump and win a national title. What would a win in a game like this mean for his stature among SEC coaches?

Sam L.: DOES MARK RICHT LOOK LIKE A BITCH, HERBIE?!?!

Herbie: I . . .um . . .No?

Sam L.: THEN WHY YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO SCREW HIM!?! IS IT BECAUSE OF THE 1993 CITRUS BOWL? DO YOUR KNEES STILL HURT?

{Sam L. turns toward Lee Corso, who is still trying to figure out who the hell this guy is and why he won't stop yelling}

Sam L.: YO, FLOCK OF SEA GULLS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE?

Corso: Cabbage?

Sam L.: THA HELL?

Corso: I love lamp.

Sam L.: I'M SORRY. DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION?

David Pollack: Sam L., I think this game comes down to which team establishes the running game and which one avoids costly mistakes. Which squad do you think is more prepared to do that?

Sam L.: CHECK OUT THE BIG BRAIN ON DAVIE!!!

{Turns toward Corso once again, pulls out Star Model B 9mm pistol, rises from his chair}

Sam L.: DO YOU READ THE BIBLE, OLD LADY?!?

Corso: Platypus Florida State crossing route Hungarian gerbil stew?

Sam L.: THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS MAN IS BESET ON ALL SIDES BY THE INEQUITIES OF OVERSIGNING AND THE TYRANNY OF HUGH FREEZE AND CECIL NEWTON! BLESSED IS HE WHO , IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL COMMITS TO THE RUNNING GAME, SHEPHERDS THE WEAK DEFENSE THROUGH THE VALLEY OF DARKNESS, FOR HE IS TRULY HIS BROTHER'S KEEPER AND THE FINDER OF LOST CHILDREN, BUT NOT LIKE JEREMY HILL! AND I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER THOSE WHO WOULD ATTEMPT TO POISON AND DESTROY MY BROTHERS IN RED AND BLACK! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!!!!

{Crowd goes nuts. A finance major from Roswell decapitates a goat in the background}

Herbie: What's a Shepherd?

Sam L.: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFREAKIN' TALKING HEADS ON THIS MOTHERFREAKIN' SHOW!!!

{And scene}

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